Relapse after 2 years clean, struggling with trauma and abusive parents

TW!!! SH TALK, ALCOHOL/DRUG MENTION, SA MENTIONS, CPTSD TALK!!! TW!! (they/them for me please, im nonbinary) z z z z.z..z.z.z z zz z z z z z z z z z z z z z z z.z z z z z z z Guess this is my first post. I relapsed with self harm today, almost made it two 2 years clean. I have a shit ton going on and I feel lost and scared and I kinda just shut down recently.... The emotions and feelings were too much and too strong and I've been off my meds for a couple months now...so when i start to feel big emotions and have feelings about what im going through or went through..... I drink and smoke to mask the pain, to handle the pain, to drink the pain away. But it hasn't been working that well. After the past week of getting drunk every night, I still wanted to SH. So I did, today. Usually when I relapse, I feel terrible and hate myself and I'm ashamed, I feel so sad. But today? I felt relief. I felt like those emotions and feelings finally had an outlet. I haven't SH'd in almost 2 years so I almost passed out but I was able to stop. I'm likely to relapse again soon, but I'm trying to be safe about it. I feel so free and idk.....good?Idrk how to describe what I feel. My abusive "parents" are kicking me out and suing me. So trying to handle that and survive them is tough. AND my CPTSD symptoms from repeated CSA and R@pes have been rampant. I've had several flashbacks, horrible nightmares, and I remember more and more every day. I can't stop thinking about what happened to me, I keep remembering worse and worse stuff. I wake up screaming, I keep thinking random events happen irl but it was just in my nightmares, I get paranoid and I'm not handling any of these symptoms well. Right now I don't regret relapsing, but I will I'm sure. if you read all this, thank-you SO much. I appreciate you.