Wishing for an Eating Disorder

Wanting an eating disorder is already a big sign of an eating disorder developing, Hon :(

i know this is a bit of an older post- but you can't GIVE yourself anorexia. i had a lot of guilt for yearssss that i was a "wannarexic" or something like that, which just.. wasn't true at all. most people who watch these documentaries have the same thought process you're saying you can logically see- this is unhealthy, this is scary, etc. but when you already have the inkling in the back of your mind that says "maybe that isn't so bad", you're probably already predisposed to it. i mean, i had a specific trigger turn my disordered earring into an eating disorder. there's usually a "control" or some other aspect to the disorder, so your brain is probably drawn to the idea because you know you can fulfill whatever that may be. don't feel guilty about it, but please don't let yourself fall victim either. i wish i could be a runner- i wanted to go through my high schools fire and rescue team, but i got denied because my health is so bad. i've been yo-yoing in recovery for a year and a half now, but i had to give up most of my major life goals to choose life. i wish i never had to make that decision.

Thing is, OP, you can't just "try to develop" it, not necessarily. You can get obsessed with thinking about calories/food/weight in general and then it develops from there, but making a conscious effort to do it is just dieting extremely unhealthily. The reason why it's a disorder and not a diet is because a diet, you control it, no matter how healthy/unhealthy it is; it is a group of foods that you eat on a daily basis for a specific goal/reason. But a disorder is something chemically/nuerodevelpmentary wrong with your brain, to the point where it stresses you out and/or you cannot control it. And I'm gonna explain why you can't just wish for it and it happens safely. I also used to wish for an eating disorder so I could lose weight. So I began to do unhealthy diets like water fasting and regular fasts that lasted 20+ hours daily. I would count calories and restrict to a 600 cal basis. This was going to make me lose weight for sure. But I noticed that I felt hungry all of the time. And I couldn't handle that, so I would eventually just eat and try again. I was frautrated because it wasn't working, and I would keep trying. But eventually, when I would do a fast one day, I didn't want it to stop. I was suddenly aching for it to continue until I collapsed. I even avoided water because it made me gain weight. I wasn't happy with the way I was somehow gaining, but I knew I would do ANYTHING to lose those pounds. I went to extreme lengths, and still denied having any problem, because I chose this. I wanted to, I was in control, I knew what I was doing, and I could totally stop. But when I actually tried to stop, I found myself fantasizing about being so skinny that I only oooked like a skeleton, and the unstoppable worry that somebody would actually force me to eat. I was worried and anxious all of the time, while still trying to maintain my happiness by doing something so incredibly damaging to my body. I had fallen victim to it, because I so desperately wanted it. Karma bit my ass, and I got what I deserved. I'm now a year recovered.