Struggling with Anorexia and Binge Eating Disorder

Ive never been anorexic long enough to be diagnosed or to feel like it's "serious enough" because i also have a binge eating disorder (also unofficial diagnosed), but I've fallen into it again. I've started calorie counting and working out to try to stop my binging, but it's gotten to the point I'm both mad at myself and proud when i eat less than 1200cal a day. Some days i only eat 500-800. Last summer i had a seizure from hypoglycemia due to not eating, and I'm scared im going to get there again. I don't want to tell my therapist until I've lost enough weight though and i check the scale every day to see how I'll feel about myself that day. I haven't been losing weight like i want to either which is making it harder to Want to eat a healthy amount and part of me doesn't care if i get another seizure. Idk what to do. I've tried for over a decade to just be neutral with my body but I hate how i look so much the only way i see myself being ok is being skinnier. And i know nothing anyone says is going to change my mind or get me to stop. I just wanted to talk about it because I know this isn't right but I've never been able to lose weight in a healthy way without falling into this and i don't want to tell anyone i know because i know they'll try to stop me.