Struggling with Eating Disorders for a Decade

This is a long one: I never want to get better even tho it’s been a decade and I’ve likely gone through nearly ED there is from AN to BED. Forced IP at 15 didn’t teach me anything other than more dangerous things than what I was doing at the time. I think it’s honestly ridiculous people can’t talk about their thoughts on food, calories, weight gain, etc. There’s obviously trauma and genetics that apply for my case but I think it’s silly we can’t talk about the shit that is on our minds daily. How are people supposed to conquer their fears without talking about them? Why do so many places think not talking about/ignoring anything like fear foods, calories, exercises, etc will just…make the worries go away magically? My IP ten years ago was nothing but traumatic and while I understand that I was bed ridden and likely didn’t have even a few months left, it bothers me how easily it was to just eat and pretend my thoughts were getting better or going away just to get out asap. They never talked to me about refeeding syndrome or dealing with my rly bad BDD. All I did was learn to be more sneaky, take laxatives, and other harmful shit I didn’t even know about it how to do. I’ve learned how to do damage control by talking to others on platforms with others who struggle and possibly never want to recover. I’ve became clean multiple times for 5-6 months at almost every attempt to get off laxatives with advice from ed communities. I don’t want to die and be so weak I can’t leave my bed. I want to have a successful career and get married. I just figure with my current friends we have each other and have stepped in when things go too far. I realise being slightly underweight might not be a good outcome from others pov but knowing and experiencing just how bad shit can get, I’d rather have friends to keep me in check and be a little underweight than being unhappy and average weight or unhappy and deathbed weight. There’s a compromise weight I feel I can find where I will be able to do my job and live a happy life. I know the BMI thing is bogus but I feel a 16-18 one isn’t nearly as bad as my old one at ~11 or my highest one at 24.7