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PinkFairy

617d

This is a long one: I never want to get better even tho it’s been a decade and I’ve likely gone through nearly ED there is from AN to BED. Forced IP at 15 didn’t teach me anything other than more dangerous things than what I was doing at the time. I think it’s honestly ridiculous people can’t talk about their thoughts on food, calories, weight gain, etc. There’s obviously trauma and genetics that apply for my case but I think it’s silly we can’t talk about the shit that is on our minds daily. How are people supposed to conquer their fears without talking about them? Why do so many places think not talking about/ignoring anything like fear foods, calories, exercises, etc will just…make the worries go away magically? My IP ten years ago was nothing but traumatic and while I understand that I was bed ridden and likely didn’t have even a few months left, it bothers me how easily it was to just eat and pretend my thoughts were getting better or going away just to get out asap. They never talked to me about refeeding syndrome or dealing with my rly bad BDD. All I did was learn to be more sneaky, take laxatives, and other harmful shit I didn’t even know about it how to do. I’ve learned how to do damage control by talking to others on platforms with others who struggle and possibly never want to recover. I’ve became clean multiple times for 5-6 months at almost every attempt to get off laxatives with advice from ed communities. I don’t want to die and be so weak I can’t leave my bed. I want to have a successful career and get married. I just figure with my current friends we have each other and have stepped in when things go too far. I realise being slightly underweight might not be a good outcome from others pov but knowing and experiencing just how bad shit can get, I’d rather have friends to keep me in check and be a little underweight than being unhappy and average weight or unhappy and deathbed weight. There’s a compromise weight I feel I can find where I will be able to do my job and live a happy life. I know the BMI thing is bogus but I feel a 16-18 one isn’t nearly as bad as my old one at ~11 or my highest one at 24.7

    • LunaElisabeth

      604d

      I have a friend in there thirties that was suffering from anorexia their whole life. We have very similar eating habits and recently it's come to their attention that they have permanent heart damage and they could theoretically died anytime because of the substantial damage to all of their internal organs. I was in a residential treatment facility for my eating disorder for a month and they actually kick me out because I refuse to do paperwork. I was bouncing up and down the weight spectrum and gained 100 pounds due to my medication after my stint in treatment. I lost all the weight in a healthy way that I would sit in front of my favorite restaurant and cried because I was afraid of eating the food. I well we have gained most of the weight back of course and due to my hypothyroidism I have basically reset my body's basement. However I have found so much love for myself and my body in my adulthood. That doesn't change the fact that I have already done permanent damage to my stomach, esophagus, and intestines. My gag reflex is FIERCE. I have to alter my diet for my health and it sends me spiraling to start looking at nutritional facts and not being able to eat certain foods. It is an ongoing battle every single day to make sure that I'm taking care of myself and I work with a nutritionist to keep me in check and give me helpful tips on supplements that I can use to help repair my stomach. Eating disorders never really leave you. They'll always be there to leave you questioning everything you know and make you feel like you're not good enough. Fight I couldn't find as much as you can. Be gentle with yourself it's okay to mess up sometimes but you have to start using gentler language with yourself and start acknowledging limits your body has before it shuts down again.

☝ This content is generated by our users and it is not a substitute for professional medical advice. Please consult with your physician before making any medical decision

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