BevBug

92d

I am an awful person.

I don't resent helping my partner through anything they're feeling but I don't know how to express that they don't have the same capability to help me without sounding like I do.

For example, I can snap myself out of highs and deep sleep just to take care of them.

When they wake me from deep sleep because they need me for emotional support, I can wake myself up to a point where I'm actually able to talk things out and have the proper sincerity in my voice. When the reverse happens, they're literally still half asleep and dozing off.

When they had a bad trip, I had to snap out of my good high to help them. Not only that, but they had convinced themselves I was having the same bad trip so in the moments of respite I couldn't enjoy my good high anymore.

I don't resent these moments. I WANT to help my partner and be there for them, but I know that they physically can't seem to do so for me in the same extent and that upsets me.

And I can't tell them that because all they'll hear is that they ruined my high or my sleep and I don't want to hurt them by making them think I resent them.

I'm a bad person

Anxiety (Including GAD)

Autism Spectrum Disorder (ASD)

Depression

Complex post traumatic stress disorder

View all
  • brabbit

    92d

    You aren't a bad person at all. You're just emotionally more mature & you have natural intuition.

    • BevBug

      92d

      That may be true. I know that I have to talk to them about this or else it'll never improve too. Any advice on that front?

  • brabbit

    92d

    that's a difficult topic to speak to because if you aren't careful, they could take it as an attack on their character. I think it's important to keep in mind that not everybody is able to show up for others in the exact same way. instead of focusing on what they aren't doing for you, maybe you could try thinking about the things that they are able to do for you. Maybe they don't show up for you in exactly the same way but if there are needs of yours that are not being met, try bringing that up in the moment when you are in need- hopefully that will lead to a productive conversation about how you can better show up for each other. If this person simply isn't able to show up for you the way you need after a few conversations on the topic, it may be time to consider that you just may not be compatible.

    • BevBug

      91d

      Oh no, they're a fantastic partner in other situations. They just can't snap themselves into alertness like I can. Which, frankly, is probably unfair of me to expect. It just hurts to know that our abilities in that department aren't equal, ya know? Awake and sober, they're a fantastic confidant.

  • Schiele

    91d

    I’m not sure if it’s emotional maturity since sometimes physical and mental state just don’t sync well. Grogginess is very hard to shake, and I think my people pleasing anxiety and my depression saying “drop your satisfaction to help” helps me snap to attention to aid others no matter how small or large their crisis (provided I’m reachable). I am reliable in the sense of if I’m awake or if you can wake me, I will focus all of my attention on you in this moment. But my downfalls are scattered attention so unless I happen to be checking my phone or in your vicinity, I can be hard to reach, and I have a tendency to take sporadic depression naps so my sleep schedule is jacked. I also cannot help financially or provide assistance when it comes to transportation. My partner is not as able to sacrifice his current state of mind at a drop of a hat, and if I have a problem at night I can’t wake him unless it’s an emergency and there’s a massive problem. That being said, he is financially dependable and can help in a bind at the sacrifice of his own spare change, and even though he hates driving he will drop what he’s doing if I need to be somewhere or need to be picked up. He’s not great at sitting and listening, and his short term memory is spotty so he isn’t able to retain trauma dumps very well, but he will be as supportive as I know he can be and although he can’t soothe with words he tries gifts and cuddles. My point, if your partner cares for you then it could be that what you need in a crisis isn’t what they’re able to give but they’re doing their best in other ways. I think before you have the conversation, you frame it less about what your sacrifices have been and focus more on saying “I know that it’s difficult to wake up when I need you, but there’s gotta be something we can do so I don’t feel like I’m struggling alone.” I also am not a user, but I think the being able to sober up enough to help may just be a sort of miracle thing and although it might be nice to clarify that you weren’t also having a bad high, I’m not sure using that as a topic point will feel like anything more than “you ruined my high” which is what your description reads like. Don’t get me wrong, it absolutely sucks when you feel great but have to sacrifice that to help someone, but you might want to think of an instance of this that doesn’t involve drugs, unless it’s a regular thing for you to have to sober up to help.

    • BevBug

      91d

      You actually seem to get what I was attempting to say and some good personal insight. I admit I'm not great at explaining my viewpoint when I'm upset. I did actually explain at the time that I wasn't having a bad trip, but their trip was too bad for them to understand at the time so it's understandable. We haven't used funny weed since then. Only sleepy weed. Frankly, mentioning that was more of a "I'm concerned about how that situation would have been if in reverse with the information I know" kind of thing. Like I said, I was upset so not good at explaining and with a clear head I now realize it may not have been necessary in the first place

  • Doggy

    91d

    You're not a bad person, but you are engaging in cognitive distoritions that will get in your way. Fact: your needs aren't being met. Accept that fact. It's not morally wrong or right, it's just plain truth. This is a communication thing, not a moral thing. Just explain the situation to your partner. Do it like you just did for us. Tell them you're afraid of being misunderstood and that you don't want to be hurtful or judgy. At the same time, be honest with yourself. You don't resent helping them, but you do resent that they can't reciprocate. "I can do this for you, but you can't do this for me." You have to come to terms with that fact that you're two different people with different needs and abilities, and you can't and SHOULDN'T be comparing yourselves to eachother. It's not about the difference in your abilities. It's about the fact that your needs aren't being met, regardless of anything else. Even if you were terrible at helping your partner, your needs would still need to be met, so focus on that. Forget about comparison. Your needs aren't being met. How do you solve that problem?

  • strawbirrry

    91d

    Dude I relate to this so much😭 it drives me a bit nuts but like I want to be sympathetic but I struggle with it so much

☝ This content is generated by our users and it is not a substitute for professional medical advice. Please consult with your physician before making any medical decision

Thank you! Your submission has been received!
Oops! Something went wrong while submitting the form.