Struggling to Stay on My BPD Medication

I understand what you’re saying. I used to do that too. I think if you would stay on your meds longer term, you would settle into a more “middle ground” area. I’ve been taking my meds religiously for over a decade now and I am definitely not bubbly. I work at happiness every day, but I’m a lot closer to it than I was without my meds.

I was diagnosed for several years with BPD after lots of DBT therapy I got hold of my rapid cycling mood. When I had a better handle on it switched from abilify to risperidone (which made me feel so numb), now im on 60mg latuda I have the happy(not very often), but I have the dark self still but only when appropriate. DBT saved my life and latuda made it feel safe to have feelings again.

Rn, I get what you're feeling. I've said something similar before and I felt kinda bad for it because I can get meds without having to pay. While others can't afford them, and yet here I am wishing I wasn't on them. I'm usually bubbly when talking to others, I'm good at hiding, and tbh when around others I do feel happiness at times. But when I'm by myself that's when it truly happens, I feel nothing. Just empty. When I feel like that it's hard to be let down, hard to get hurt in any way because I don't care at that moment. I'm still on my meds and I've been given a new one to try and help my depression. Ik it's the "right" thing to do if I want to get better but goodness I want to quit already and just stick to the meds I was already on. I wasn't constantly praying to not be here anymore so that was good enough for me.

I was diagnosed and put on meds about 3 years ago and as a whole I’m much much better now, but there are times when I really miss my “chaos self”.. I know it’s not the healthy me, but it was in a way a part of my identity and lifestyle for a long time.. it’s sometimes really hard to feel comfortable with who I am now (or becoming), partly cuz I’m still learning who she is, the woman I am apart from my condition..

i relate to this so much. i think it’s because it’s more comfortable and easier to be that version of yourself. working on yourself and getting better is much harder than laying in bed all day. I still feel like this sometimes but then I remember how bad it really is and remember that i don’t want to feel like that again