Dealing with Relationship Trauma and Mental Health Issues

*just rawdogging this and gonna rant so it might be a bit long lmao* i just wanna feel better already. i used to be really loud, talkative, and funny but now i barely talk to anyone about anything anymore. this semester has been fucking brutal man. sorry this is gonna sound kinda stupid but i feel like i’ve been slowly dying inside for months and i’m now truly realizing how much i changed since the beginning of this year. here’s the thing that started it??? i stopped taking my meds for like 1.5 months in late february/early march and i started feeling this emotional distance from my friends. i convinced myself that they like each other a lot more than they liked me so i started slowly distancing myself. once i got back on the meds, the feeling still lingered. i still felt such strong emotional distance for some reason. i also started dating my bf around this time so i was stable-ish. i went back home for summer break so i couldn’t see my bf and friends in person for a while. my bf and i had a bit of a hard time adjusting to long distance and we ended up having our first argument a few days after i left. i ended up relapsing which really sucked cause i hadn’t sh in almost a year at that point. june is a hard ass month for me cause i was r@ped two years ago (june 2020) and my ptsd symptoms are at its worst during it. i had flashbacks several times a week, nightmares almost every night, and constant panic attacks so yeah not great. july (except the week my bf flew to visit cause that was the best week of the summer) and the beginning of august are blurs tbh. i was a dumb fuck and decided to start abusing my xanax prescription. i only had them for panic attacks but i for some reason thought that taking 6+ and drinking alone in my room till i passed out several nights a week was a good idea. so now i don’t really remember much. anyway i got wisdom teeth surgery in august and idk what the fuck happened but my mental health took a NOSEDIVE after the procedure. and when i mean nosedive, im serious cause i haven’t felt better since then. i’ve been smoking weed for a few years now but i never wanted my own pen because i knew i wouldn’t be able to stop. butttt i decided to get a few carts and a battery and just like i thought, i started hitting that shit constantly. ngl over the entire summer, i didn’t really text my college friends that much because the emotional distance feeling was getting much stronger. i should’ve kept texting them, i do feel really bad about it. anyway i was praying that going back to college for my sophomore year would make me happier but uhh that didn’t happen LMAO. i got back and i started feeling more and more miserable. at this point i felt like such an outcast in my friend group and i was convinced that 99% of people in my life do not actually like me or my presence. i started isolating more and more and more and i kept smoking more and more and more. in the beginning of the year, weed started making me feel really fucking anxious. i thought it was just sativa but uhhh nope. i was paranoid that no one liked me, that everyone thinks im weird or annoying, etc. at around late august-late september i was hitting my pen like 24/7, smoking joints daily, whatever. but im ngl i think i developed some sort of short-term drug induced psychosis because of it. i noticed over a span of 2 weeks that more of my stuff was going missing. i became CONVINCED it was my roommate and i started keeping a list. i then saw something disappear in thin air while i was high which freaked me the fuck out. i started hallucinating other things, like a pattern of small black dots moving in a rectangular formation (??) all over my floor. eventually, i got my pen confiscated at a club, which forced me to stop smoking as much. i started finding the missing stuff afterwards, which is funny cause i fr was so paranoid and convinced myself that my roommate was stealing my shit. my roommate dropped out and moved out so i was able to live in a single dorm which was pretty sick. up until this semester, i’ve always been a good student. i never really skipped, never missed an assignment, actually took notes on textbooks and during lectures, etc. i always had straight a’s. but idk i was never able to get into the school mindset this semester. tbh i have no energy to do anything anymore. i really mean that shit fr. my room is a mess, i have so many late assignments. i skipped over half of my lectures. i haven’t taken any notes. i’m literally FAILING A FUCKING CLASS?? that’s never happened to me before but is it bad that i don’t give a shit?? i mean like i don’t even have enough energy to care. my final paper for one of my classes was due sunday and i’m not even done with it yet. i’m so fucking over everything. anyway back to the shit show that isn’t school related. i hate myself a lot. i hate looking in the mirror cause i literally can’t take care of myself. i’m not close with anyone anymore (except my bf). and i fr mean that shit. i just isolate myself now and yeah i’ll still hang out with people but what happened to extroverted and happy me?? i used to hang out with friends and other people everyday a year ago and now i just want to be alone 24/7. i have social anxiety now??? i never had that shit in the beginning of the year. i HATE talking to people, especially one-on-one. i don’t talk to anyone about my problems. yeah i’ll tell my bf like 60% but i don’t like bothering people. i don’t wanna be annoying because i constantly need reassurance from everyone. i always think people hate me. i can’t convince myself that people actually like me as a person and like being around me. no matter how many times someone reassures me, i still think the same. that’s why i just don’t bother. i shut out 99% of people in my life and i don’t know how to open back up. i’ve had so many convos with people about this but i just can’t seem to do it. i don’t know how to let people back in. i don’t know how to accept help. i don’t know how to open up to people at all. back to present day. i got a new battery a few days ago because i have no self control and as expected, im like high 24/7 now. i hate being sober. yeah sure, weed also makes me miserable because of how anxious i get but at least i’m fucked up lmao. i’m too depressed to take care of myself physically a lot of the time. it takes so much energy to even get out of bed. there’s no way i’m getting any A’s this semester. i just moped around all semester and now my dream of getting into a program at my college is gonna be ruined because of it LMAO. really funny stuff ig. i haven’t felt happy in so long tho. i just wanna feel happy again. i’m really hoping that going back home for winter break will do something. anyway uh it’s 3am i have to wake up at 8 for class UGHHH but yeah if anyone actually read this you’re a g. i wrote so much holy shit lmaooo

I’m not sure where to start. Hopefully this isn’t considered off-topic. Basically, I was with my girlfriend 6 years, and she knew about my health issues and watched them progress as my life fell apart. She was always by my side. We did everything together and loved each other immensely and I will always love her. However, we recently had moved out from my abusive grandparents and in with her parents a good hour and a half away from my home city. I moved all my belongings there, never imagining we’d ever separate. But a few months in after moving, she cheated on me. We would argue or I’d have breakdowns and she’d go to her mom’s work, which was a bar, and cry. Some guy came in and took advantage of her while she was upset, and she ran off with him. I trusted her more than anyone I’d ever trusted, I never got jealous (I did in the beginning-paranoia from being cheated on in all my previous relationships) but that quickly dissipated. Anyway, I opened our shared laptop so I could add her on Facebook (I had just remade one to message her, but could not find her on my phone, and knowing she always had it open on the laptop, I figured I’d open it and add myself) and she had messages with some guy open, dating back maybe a month or two, speaking sexually, talking about romance, saying things like they couldn’t wait to see each other, and she had said “yeah, I just told him I was going to babysit some lady’s dogs for a few hours.” I had to find a ride back to the city, and found a ‘friend’ that was going to let me stay with him, but then didn’t reply when I got here. I brought only some clothes, necessities, and my dog and two cats. No more food stamps, as it was in her name, so I left the card. I was going to end up homeless, but luckily I found a spot in a friend’s garage and some other friends helped me financially. This took a lot of the pressure off, but my ex is completely ignoring me, and it’s making everything so much harder. The few things she told me, was that she had felt like my “caretaker” and was “pretending to love me while on autopilot.” This has all been burned into my mind. I have always been suicidal throughout my life, and I feel it very difficult to refrain from thinking or considering it as days pass by. I used to be a personal trainer, but the lockdowns ruined that. I found a job at the Taco Bell down the street until I can save enough for a cheap used car, and to get my training license back. My health issues make this job pretty difficult but I have no choice, and don’t know how to apply for assistance or if I qualify for anything. I have to pay rent and provide for my dog (my cats are with a friend until I’m back on my feet). I try to look at cars I want and write down my goals and reasons for doing this, like not sleeping with roaches, getting my belongings back, etc. but everything feels near pointless without her in my life, I feel empty and broken and defeated. She was such a help, as in just feeling she loved me, and we’d spend time together and I always had her, but she’d also help me make my appointments when I couldn’t, she’d help me talk on the phone, help me keep it all together. We had so many fun amazing times together, the memories really mess me up every day. How do I pull through this without her? How can I get over her after I spent the last 25% of my life with her and cherished every second? I have no family and the friends I have I don’t speak with or see that often. Everything material seems worthless if I can’t share it with her, I feel I’ve lost purpose, I feel I’ve lost support, it’s so difficult to keep moving, I just center my mind on my dog, or I try to. Maybe if she didn’t completely ignore me and we could talk or be friends it would help. After everything I’ve dealt with in life I feel I’ve hit rock bottom. She told me to go get help, but now won’t even speak to me. I’m worried if I try medication it will interfere with holding this job. I also don’t want to find a medication that works and then have my insurance run out and not be able to afford it. I resent myself for letting my health drive a wedge into my relationship, or maybe it was more about cheating and this was the easy way out for her. Does anyone have any tips or advice to push through this situation? Maybe somewhere I can make some friends? Or what I should try to apply for assistance-wise? And maybe reassurance on the medication aspect, as I feel I should at least try, considering a life without it has lead me here. But I’ve read a lot of horror stories about them, and I worry about it affecting my creativity, or making my suicidal thoughts/tendencies worse. Smoking weed always helped, but I can’t afford it anymore, so I had to quit about a year ago, this also made things worse. I feel so dead, I feel helpless and hopeless, everything I love is gone, and the only person I love and thought loved me hates me now and has easily forgotten everything and moved on. And it feels even worse when she says this is all because of my mental health, which she had always been there through it all and the times it was bad I told her to leave me, and she begged me to stay. Now I beg her just to speak to me, and she won’t even do that. This is so difficult. I’m trying to push through but I worry what my future holds, I worry I’ll never recover and that my health will always interfere with finding happiness or maintaining stability in life.

I had a manic episode while high on weed at a...uhh..friends house. or I hope we're still friends. okay. so I went from haveing fun and drinking and kissing on him. too crying and trauma dumping and wanting to cut up my stomach because I am "too fat" back to haveing the best time ever and professing my need to cuddle. Even when in the middle of my high I had thoughts that something was wrong with me that would amplify through out the night. In the morning I thanked him for haveing me over and apologized again for the 1000 time for haveing a manic episode. I asked him about it and even he said "You're fun too hang out with. but you're intense..." Did I fuck up my potential friendship? I feel insane and insecure, and like I keep fucking up....