Complicated Relationship and Emotional Turmoil: Need Advice

TW: sex stuff, drugs, s/c This is gonna be a long post sorry guys. Thanks for reading. I mostly just need to know if I’m in the wrong, and any other advice anyone has. I’m going to tell the whole story of my wife and i, but there’s a point to it. We met when a mutual friend introduced us, and we all hung out and got high asf. Hung out occasionally after that for the same activity. Jump forward 2 years n I’ve slept with a bunch of people n got my heart broke real bad, now I’m super single AND a weed dealer, not small time either. One night i see a s/c related post from her and i ask to scoop her to make sure she’s ok. We get blitzed. After that we’re hanging out all the time. Every day. I’m dealing from her house lol. Jump a few months, we’re at a show together and get a few tabs of lsd, do that shyt together…. And again the next week, and the next week. Mind u I’ve had serious feelings for her for a while now. But now (and i suspect drugs as the reason) she starts to catch them back. But i thought it was real the whole time. One random night we’re chillin together smokin n she asks to bang, which I’m very happy about, and right after we finish SHE asks ME to date her. VERY HAPPY. We move in together immediately. LSD every Monday for over a year, taking 10x dose every time. Molly during the week. Adderall. Codiene. If it exists we probably did it, likely more than once, regularly for a lot of ‘em. I was always worse with it, BUT with our constantly high asses, we thought it would last forever. And OMG the sex was AMAZING. In addition, docs had me on Zoloft so i was EXTREMELY manic for over a year too, but it was ALWAYS happy-manic bc of the drugs. Admittedly, that made me more attractive to her as well. Until i stopped taking the Zoloft, crashed, attempted s/c and ended up in the hospital for lethal OTC overdose. A week in the ER, and another 2 in inpatient. Came out sober asf, and on mood stabilizers. Pretty much dropped everything besides weed n addys except an occasional shroomies or molly for a treat. Dropped the mod stabilizers pretty quick too as they made me very sick. Less than a month goes by and i get busted with a bunch of stuff and get put on probation. Have to drop all substances, so i do. Wife does too. And just like that, i became a lot more unpleasant, it would seem. And by that i mean big swings, meltdowns mostly. So i get put on Latuda. Which works pretty good, until it suddenly stops and things were worse than ever before. I started splitting all the time, doing very dangerous and scary shyt, traumatizing people. It used to happen occasionally, but got worse rapidly around that time. Switched to Vraylar, which works more reliably, but not perfectly. Splitting less often, but worse. Right around the time i switch those meds, wife starts to get pretty cold. Slowly at first, but exponentially faster. Realizing I’ve become more unpredictable, and just growing tired of me in general. This gotta be about 2021 ish. Early in the year. We still go thru with getting married that September. Bloody hell if i know why i did that. Things immediately get awful. This would be about the time i downloaded Alike, actually, and started venting and asking about my life to y’all’s. I was kicked out several times, let back in, kicked out again when i had another meltdown/splitting episode. I’ve talked about the way she started to treat me on here, refusing to talk, ignoring my needs, saying rude stuff, even hitting me a couple times. See my past posts or message me if u wanna know more about that. I hate typing stuff twice. Anywho i posted this latest time when she kicked me out, in April. Well, this week, she filed the divorce papers. That brings us to now. So I’m off my meds. Completely. Hindsight, well, despite making me complacent, those meds definitely, how do i say this, helped me be normal? And also killed the impulses apparently. Sooooo anyways my feelings and desires kinda flow freely now. After being deprived of my love languages for sooooo long, not ever feeling love from her ever, i kinda sorta definitely developed some semi-serious feelings for an old friend of mine who I’ve been hanging out with….. That is what i want to know. I am of the opinion i am a terrible person for catching feelings for her. After all, divorce isn’t finalized yet. Also, my wife, well, will admittedly always have a big piece of me, even if she broke my heart at the end. Is that normal? I feel like something is wrong with me, romantically. I feel like I’m gonna get some HEAVY backlash from this post. Oh well. F-it.