Why do I self-harm? Seeking advice and support

Do you have thoughts about it first that feel like they're tempting you to do that and eventually you just cant resist? Or are they more like sudden outbursts that happen when you're overwhelmed? It sounds like it could be like the two situations that I had to deal with as a teenager. I have intrusive thoughts because of my PTSD, I also have issues with impulse control and in combination those can be extremely dangerous. My intrusive thoughts range from putting something in my mouth that I know I shouldn't to jumping directly into oncoming traffic from the sidewalk or a moving car and I had a number of experiences where I gave in because of my impulse control issues and got hurt or scared people. I had to practice restraint and redirection for a long time and I most definitely should have been talking to a psychiatrist or therapist. The other thing was harmful stimming mixed with meltdowns and/or break downs from having my PTSD triggered. This would happen when I got overwhelmed or overstimulated or when I was exposed to certain triggers and it felt like I wasnt in control. Pain is also a type of stimulation and when the brain is overwhelmed it will use stimulation to regulate it, this can be true for anyone who is under extreme stress but what those stressors are and how quickly you get to that point can be different for neurodivergent people. I learned to track what was happening each time before these episodes that may have caused them to find out what my triggers were in order to create work arounds or avoid them and redirected the stims I used to things that weren't dangerous. There are other things it could be and I would definitely recommend speaking to a mental health professional if you havent already, but if anything I said sounds familiar to you I hope it helps.

If you aren't working with a therapist/psychologist and a psychiatrist, that is a good place to start. I am sorry you are going through this. I can't say that I know exactly what you are feeling, but I have had similar impulses and habits. It can be very difficult to go through, witness, and understand. I also know the feeling of shame or embarrassment that I have felt following those situations. But wanting to change it is the first step, and it sounds like you've already done that. Wanting to and working towards getting better is something to be proud of. Starting a recovery journey like this is hard and scary, but you can do it. I believe in you (even if I am just some stranger on the internet). Sending love ❤️