Struggling with Illness and Isolation

I'm out here occasionally coughing up blood like it's a French tragedy and I'm still so alone. I feel such deep resentment. I deeply miss the things I love like being able to be in nature, read, play video games, going shopping, cooking etc. I just miss feeling semi-human. I hate that I was only allowed to feel semi-human for as long as I was useful and up to the point my body broke. Now I just feel like it would have been better if they handed me a live gun. At least I wouldn't be burdening the one person helping me anymore. I just want to be buried in the dirt with a tree seed in my chest. I want to be deep in a protected forest that my tree never sees human touch again. I want my body unvisited by the cruelty of my existence and human abuse. I want to be surrounded by the peace of a Forest that will be Forever unmarked by human destruction. I wish there was someone I could beg help from. I'm so tired and I don't have faith that I will be able to receive help anymore. tbh I'm more concerned with the possibility of a slow painful death. especially with the blood and teeth rotting and agonizing pain that wracks my body especially in cold or rain. I feel like a slightly more mobile corpse. I hate this pull yourself up by your bootstraps eugenics hellhole I was born on the dirt of. I hate that I live on stolen land I can't even return because I don't own shit. I hate that I can't even have my own space. I hate that I live in one disgusting room so deeply ingrained with grime that it's begun to mold. I hate being bedridden and not even being able to do things to bring happiness to myself most days let alone actually make progress to better my situation. My arms both ache so deeply when I wake only ending in agony by night's end. I just want to leave this shithole of a country but even then it won't fix being poor and sick and friendless. Especially when the one person I have helping me can just barely offer me scraps. I have to beg for everything. Accommodations are stupid fucking expensive. I still don't have a wheelchair. And getting help to do paperwork is a fucking nightmare.