Struggling with Mental Health and Self-Harm

constant meltdowns everyday and a desire for death purely because everyone is telling me to get better. I don't want to let them win and I just want peace. I'm talked down from the high of feeling death in reach and repeat it all the next day. incurable and uncaring I crave the nothing at the end of the tunnel. the sweet embrace of darkness and solitude, like the depths of the ocean, I'm tired of feeling like I'm a spectacle for everyone around me to watch, so I drag them into it and become more embarrassed than if they were to just watch me. I love when I bleed but hate cutting, it burns, I liked how my face felt nothing as the jagged edges of the cup dug in and seconds letter saw the blood dripping down and felt the warmth on my brow. I'm sad it comes to an end, the exhilarating feel of destroying everything I have and then hate that I broke all I love, but that adds to the fuel pile for the next time I lash out.