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wheezer

733d

I've been dissociating (depersonalization mainly but also derealization) for so long. I don't feel like my body is mine and I probably never will due to gender dysphoria (even if I fully transition, there will always be something), but it's gotten a little better now that I've started T. However, I still just feel like I'm floating through life and everything feels like nothing and too much all at once. I don't feel real and nothing else feels real. I just sit and pass the time while hoping that I'll come back to myself some day. Being autistic makes it even harder though because sensory issues make me dissociate even more. I'll walk in a crowded hall and feel so numb and disconnected that I feel like a ghost with no connection to the real world.

    • Dorkasaurus

      732d

      I get what you mean. I haven't had a moment without dissociation in the last 3 years. I don't feel "alive." Both my mind and body get stressed easily, and it makes it worse. My vision is literally unfocused, dull, and blurry because of this. It's hard to feel my body or what I'm touching. Sounds are distorted. I can't think clearly. It's dream-like. It makes me miserable. Trauma therapy has helped me be able to sometimes work through it enough to get a couple things done in a day. But.. I don't see a lot of improvement happening until I can gain better quality of life & less intense stressors that are constantly triggering it. I'm sorry you've gone through this too.

    • skeptic_

      732d

      Just one more thing my guy.. I’m sorry if i seem creepy or annoying I’m trying my best to insist to myself that ain’t the case but if it is lmk. I just keep coming across your posts and it just so happens I relate to all of them, so forgive me. But I remember being younger and feeling like I don’t belong. I always said “I’m on a different wavelength than everyone else” and that “my frequency doesn’t line up with everyone else’s” due to feelings like this. It feels like the worlds moving around me, functioning and working and progressing.. And I’m sitting in the middle watching it all go by without having an effect on it yk? It makes it hard to feel important when the world goes on regardless of if I get out of bed or turn my assignment in or go to bed on time (its currently 6:28 am for me as I write this. Havent slept yet.) I’ve been with friends and just started drifting. Feeling like I don’t belong or that I’m a constant sore thumb sticking out. Feeling like a ghost is a perfect description. You’re invisible and you watch all the alive people go about their days, doing what healthy functioning people do. But here I am sitting in my rotting heap of a body, a bystander of everything I feel that I’ll never be a part of

☝ This content is generated by our users and it is not a substitute for professional medical advice. Please consult with your physician before making any medical decision

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