Struggling with Disordered Eating Symptoms

I've never been diagnosed with an eating disorder, mostly because I don't want to be told I'm too heavy and I don't want another diagnosis, but I've been dealing with disordered eating symptoms since I was 14 and I'm 21 now. I stopped for a few years when I messed up my gallbladder, but from age 19 to now the symptoms have gotten so much worse. I don't know what to do, I want help but I don't, and I feel like every doctor will turn me down because the doctors at the psychiatric hospital I went to said I weighed too much and I ate enough to not need the replacement shakes I was wanting, but the only reason I asked for them was because every time I ate something my nervousness made it too hard to keep down, so I wanted a shake like I use at home sometimes because my throat hurt so bad, and they just thought I was faking. I just want some sort of help, maybe? But, I also don't, and I feel like the only way to get help is to be crazy ill because of my symptoms for anyone to validate me...