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Kaiiyla

791d

Tw///relapse Been in a very confusing state regarding my Ed, and how it’s heightened my other disorders as well. I don’t think what I’m going through rn with Anorexia is “recovering”, because I’m eating more than I have in I can’t even recall how long but it’s uncontrollable and ravenous, and each time this cycle happens I continue to think how I can compensate for it or how I will punish myself, hating my body more than ever being disgusted with myself more than ever. I’ve literally considered locking myself in my car to keep from eating absolutely anything besides my planned food. I’ve relapsed in self-harm after failing a plan, and have considered that as a way to keep from eating as well as a distraction. I’ve been depressed out of my mind, and highly suicidal each time I lose control. I can’t bear to be told this is all ok, this is recovery, simply because I’m eating more only because my body will sometimes manage to overtake my mind, not because I want to. Not because it feels good. Not because I feel like I deserve to eat what I have, I deserve to enjoy the food I’m consuming. All I’ve thought about is punishment, all I’ve felt is misery. I don’t know how to stop

Top reply
    • Ory

      791d

      I love what was suggested above! Def listen to them. Bring on the positivity and daily affirmations! Binging is common during recovery. Recovery isn't linear, and anorexia is considered a mental illness because that's what it is. It stays with you. It's not physically something to heal from per say, but rather to cope with. You are doing better than you think you are, I promise. Try easing up on yourself a bit. Get in tune with your body, and what it wants/needs from you. When you label foods as "good" and "bad" it creates a cycle of binging and wanting to punish yourself from the guilt of indulging. When I changed my perspective of food from "good or bad" to simply "fuel/energy for my body" it changed my ability to cope tremendously.

    • Ory

      791d

      I love what was suggested above! Def listen to them. Bring on the positivity and daily affirmations! Binging is common during recovery. Recovery isn't linear, and anorexia is considered a mental illness because that's what it is. It stays with you. It's not physically something to heal from per say, but rather to cope with. You are doing better than you think you are, I promise. Try easing up on yourself a bit. Get in tune with your body, and what it wants/needs from you. When you label foods as "good" and "bad" it creates a cycle of binging and wanting to punish yourself from the guilt of indulging. When I changed my perspective of food from "good or bad" to simply "fuel/energy for my body" it changed my ability to cope tremendously.

      • Kaiiyla

        791d

        @Ory I rlly liked how you mentioned Anorexia being a mental illness and not physical, I feel like that’s not acknowledged nearly enough. The problem doesn’t go away just because someone appears to be eating “fine”, you never know what’s in their head during that time. Tysm for this 💕

        • Madison_M

          791d

          @Kaiiyla LITERALLY! my parents both think i’m eating “fine” and that my ed was just a phase and that it’s just hormones. but do they not know that some people keep their eating habits to their self?? also, just bc people are eating “fine” doesn’t mean that the thoughts in their head are gone. thoughts in peoples heads with eating disorders plays a big part in an actual ed, not just the eating part.

    • Kaiiyla

      791d

      Sorry this is so long…I’ve just really needed to get my thoughts out

      • Madison_M

        791d

        @Kaiiyla it will never be “too long” these are your thoughts miss girl. it will get better in the future. say positive affirmations to yourself each day such as “i am a survivor and i’m a warrior. i don’t need my eating disorder to be good enough.” “i am courageous and from today i will stand up for myself” “my life is just beginning, not ending.” “i will not define myself from the past.” “how i feel about myself has nothing to do with what i eat or don’t eat.” “the process of recovery may be challenging, but it’s worth it and i know it.” and also have intentions such as “i am entering recovery.” “to be kind to your body.” “to seek happiness.” etc. it helps me to right these affirmations and intentions down in a notebook just for ed stuff. have a specific time in your day to write these things down. believe you will get better (which you will and i know it<3)

        • Kaiiyla

          791d

          @Madison_M I definitely will try to as much as I can, tysm <33 Writing stuff out is such a good way to cope

☝ This content is generated by our users and it is not a substitute for professional medical advice. Please consult with your physician before making any medical decision

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