Struggling with Relapse into Eating Disorder

TW VENT I started “recovery” but I feel like I don’t deserve food unless I workout for a little at least or go on a walk . Im not counting calories but I memorized alot so still kind of am and I’ve been purgeing alot lately not emptying but just 2-3 times after a meal 2-3 times a day. Any way i can eat again without bingeing and like ahh i feel nauseous all the time and I’m still on Ed twt but it was a safe space for me and part of me feels bad for wanting to leave or recover . any tips for not feeling bad after eating

This is a long one: I never want to get better even tho it’s been a decade and I’ve likely gone through nearly ED there is from AN to BED. Forced IP at 15 didn’t teach me anything other than more dangerous things than what I was doing at the time. I think it’s honestly ridiculous people can’t talk about their thoughts on food, calories, weight gain, etc. There’s obviously trauma and genetics that apply for my case but I think it’s silly we can’t talk about the shit that is on our minds daily. How are people supposed to conquer their fears without talking about them? Why do so many places think not talking about/ignoring anything like fear foods, calories, exercises, etc will just…make the worries go away magically? My IP ten years ago was nothing but traumatic and while I understand that I was bed ridden and likely didn’t have even a few months left, it bothers me how easily it was to just eat and pretend my thoughts were getting better or going away just to get out asap. They never talked to me about refeeding syndrome or dealing with my rly bad BDD. All I did was learn to be more sneaky, take laxatives, and other harmful shit I didn’t even know about it how to do. I’ve learned how to do damage control by talking to others on platforms with others who struggle and possibly never want to recover. I’ve became clean multiple times for 5-6 months at almost every attempt to get off laxatives with advice from ed communities. I don’t want to die and be so weak I can’t leave my bed. I want to have a successful career and get married. I just figure with my current friends we have each other and have stepped in when things go too far. I realise being slightly underweight might not be a good outcome from others pov but knowing and experiencing just how bad shit can get, I’d rather have friends to keep me in check and be a little underweight than being unhappy and average weight or unhappy and deathbed weight. There’s a compromise weight I feel I can find where I will be able to do my job and live a happy life. I know the BMI thing is bogus but I feel a 16-18 one isn’t nearly as bad as my old one at ~11 or my highest one at 24.7

Tw///relapse Been in a very confusing state regarding my Ed, and how it’s heightened my other disorders as well. I don’t think what I’m going through rn with Anorexia is “recovering”, because I’m eating more than I have in I can’t even recall how long but it’s uncontrollable and ravenous, and each time this cycle happens I continue to think how I can compensate for it or how I will punish myself, hating my body more than ever being disgusted with myself more than ever. I’ve literally considered locking myself in my car to keep from eating absolutely anything besides my planned food. I’ve relapsed in self-harm after failing a plan, and have considered that as a way to keep from eating as well as a distraction. I’ve been depressed out of my mind, and highly suicidal each time I lose control. I can’t bear to be told this is all ok, this is recovery, simply because I’m eating more only because my body will sometimes manage to overtake my mind, not because I want to. Not because it feels good. Not because I feel like I deserve to eat what I have, I deserve to enjoy the food I’m consuming. All I’ve thought about is punishment, all I’ve felt is misery. I don’t know how to stop