My School Experience: A Nightmare of Anxiety and Panic Attacks

BIG PARAGRAPH Also I’m not asking a question I moved and went to a new school 2 months ago. This new school had no communication. No one told me what to do, no one helped me or talked to me. They didn’t give me a computer. Since I’m neurodivergent I need communication or I can’t function so obviously this was extremely stressful. My first 2 days were like this. I faked sick for 2 days so I didn’t have to go there. There is a period where you just go outside for 20 minutes and when I was out there it started getting way too loud, I started getting a sensory overload. Also I didn’t really have friends and no one talked to me, it was awful. So I was outside about to have a meltdown or panic attack and in my next period I texted my mom to pick me up (I’m not supposed to have my phone so it was hard to text her. I could get it confiscated) I was trying to hold back the panic attack which was the hardest thing I’ve ever done but as soon as I was sent to the office I broke down and had a panic attack in the car. Since I left on Friday I had the weekend to rest. But over the weekend my anxiety got so bad I didn’t leave my bed much for 3 days, (Monday-Wednesday) my parents tried their best to get me out of my bed and go to school but I just cried under my blankets. I also got a UTI (idk if it was related or not) so I kinda used that as an excuse for my parents and the school. The thing is my family doesn’t do doctors so I’ve never gotten professionally diagnosed with anything, only by therapists. Also apparently I have to have a doctors note for a UTI? Even tho you can definitely tell if you have one without going to a doctor, they are pretty recognizable. So when I came back I found out I had to do gym class. I am the least athletic person ever in the world and my anxiety causes me to think everyone will judge me and make fun of me (because it’s happened before) so I had anxiety about that. Also there was a gym uniform. Shorts and a tee shirt. I have a long history with SH so I have more scars than Frankenstein (literally) I am covered almost head to toe with ugly pink raised scars, some more recent than others. There was no way out of wearing the uniform. I gave the gym teacher my note (one from my mom since I didn’t go to the doctor) and 2 students read the note I gave him and they winced when they read it, I was embarrassed because that definitely wasn’t their business. The gym teacher said he couldn’t take the note since it wasn’t from a doctor. He said I had to put on a uniform and just walk around. I started to freak out completely, it was very visible. There was 2 gym teachers so I talked to the female one. She gave me a uniform and I was completely freaking out. When I was staying home my mom messaged the school counselor and she said anytime I felt a panic attack coming I could go to the nurse, so I asked if I could, they denied me 3 times. I told them I have an anxiety disorder and I was told I could go to the nurse anytime i felt like a panic attack was coming. They asked me “Where is this on paper.” I said I don’t know, my mom sorted it out not me. (This was the most anxiety I’ve ever felt ever in my life. I was feeling violated at this point) they said see how I feel in 10 minutes and sent me to go change. I was in a stall not changing, freaking out. I texted my mom saying they denied me the nurse. Also she doesn’t know about my scars, at least the recent really bad ones. So I was panicking. I started crying. I went out of the stall and there was a student outside (older than me I think) so I told her “I really can’t wear this” she didn’t understand. She asked if I had anything on my body, she wasn’t specific, so it could mean anything. And I just nodded my head. She brought me to the male gym teacher, I was crying. I told him I have really bad anxiety so he brought me out of the gym and to this one lady. Honestly no idea who she was. The real counselor was on a trip ig so I think she was a substitute. He told her. “She said she was told by someone she could leave class when she wants” I said “no I said I was told I could go to the nurse when I felt a panic attack was going to happen. My mother spoke to the counselor and that’s what she said”. The lady said “well here we don’t get to just leave class whenever we want to” this made me feel a deep sense of rage and disappointment because it’s like she didn’t listen to me. I said I have anxiety and they said “you have to have this on paper or else you can’t do anything” meaning I have to be professionally diagnosed. They were going to send me back to gym and my fight or flight went off and I’m like please can I just go to the nurse and they said “she’s going to say the same thing, you need it on paper” so I went to the nurse and she said I could sit down for a minute and use the bathroom in the office. She was also aware of my uti and said they can’t do anything abt that, meaning I can’t sit out of gym. I went into the room, and I texted my mom. (Remember phones are absolutely not allowed) I was still on the verge of a massive panic attack, I was still crying. My mom was going to pick me up but it wasn’t going to be for a while. So I told her that. I had never felt so violated in my life. Ive never been that disrespected in my life. They acted so rude to me. I didn’t know anything and they asked me questions I didn’t know because I was told one thing and it apparently was not true. I felt a deep sensation within me that I can only explain as despair. Thankfully my mom arrived before I was going to be sent to gym. I was still crying and my mom wasn’t fully aware of the situation. I had the biggest panic attack of my life in the car. I was almost paralyzed because I wasn’t getting enough oxygen and it tightened my muscles so much I almost couldn’t move, it hurt, really bad. I just hyperventilated for 10 minutes in the car. Then tried to explain it the best to my mom (as good as you can get for someone who can’t breathe) My mom was furious, definitely not as much as I was but still, very angry with what they did. I cried to my mom “I don’t want to go back there” because I had never felt that feeling before, nothing that awful, ever, even at my rock bottom. My mom told me I didn’t have to go back. I cried for a long time when I got home. Something I wasn’t aware of when I moved to this state is that for most schools here if you are absent for ten days you become Truant, meaning you have to go to court and CPS gets involve. I don’t know why this is a rule but it sucked. I was already out for 4 days and since I wasn’t going back there the days quickly went to 10. Thankfully they gave us 5 more days but my mom spent each of the days searching for a school that will take me because I would fail my grade and have to redo it for some reason. My mom started getting angry with me which made me feel worse. I get it was very stressful for her, she didn’t want to go to court and get cps involved but imagine how I feel: I don’t get to control this. My brother said it’s my fault my parents are going to get in trouble. Basically I’m an awful person. So my parents paid 3000 dollars for this one school, the only one that took me it’s an online school I have to do all summer. I don’t get a summer break. So I started the school 3 weeks ago. Little did I know I was going to be hit with a random little depressive episode that lasted for two weeks. Didn’t leave my room or shower let alone to school. So apparently you can become truant in this school too so that could happen to me soon but now I have to complete 3 weeks worth of work by the end of this week. Also I’m supposed to download things onto my computer but I literally can’t so I’m getting I. Trouble for that too. I hate my life so much. Soon I’m getting a therapist and a diagnosis, a real one, on paper. I hope I can get a 504 plan for my next school even tho they don’t do shit I’ve heard. At least I’ll be diagnosed and therapised.