Struggling with Plurality and Dating

I have a husband and a boyfriend, and they are both systems. I find systems are easier to date because they genuinely know what you're going through, and it's sometimes easier for them to pick up on a switch and a triggered switch than what it would be for a singlet.

I think the main thing is finding someone that’s willing to learn with you, whether or not they have DID. I’ve personally had horrible experiences with past partners who have DID. They’d try to gatekeep the same disorder and say mine wasn’t as “real or severe” as theres’. My partner is a singlet and has been nothing but understanding and loving to all of us. We are poly, so in theory there might be other partners. Singlet or plural, I’d look for that openness first. It is a bit lonely being the only body we know with DID (that aren’t our exes), but there will be people who love you out there. That make you feel truly like yourselves. Like you don’t have to hide. That is the greatest feeling ever.

Dating another system has been really good both for wanting a person who understands and it also helps with alters that want different things from relationships/are into different kinds of people. Many of my alters are polyamorous but some.are not, the poly ones are more satisfied in a relationship where we can technically be monogamous but they can date multiple people and many of the monogamous ones have been able to open up more to more relationships with the comfort knowing they appear monogamous and technically are. Some of them also just are monogamous with an alter from our partners system and that way they dont nessicarily have to share their partner even with the other alters. Also it has helped us feel like our partner system has the capability to have someone who genuinely loves all of us in the same or very similar ways despite our differences, and vice versa.

Since finding out about my DID I've dated both singlets and systems. In my experience, dating another system tends to go smoother. They innately understand what you're experiencing more than a singlet, which can help with feelings of isolation and shame, and there's more opportunity for people in your system to feel like they are included in dating. When I date a singlet, it tends to be the host and maybe one or two other alters, but when dating a system a lot more matches tend to form. Singlets can be great to date but there's something to be said for the connection you can have with another system