Feeling Lost and Alone: My Struggle with Mental Health

tw// rant i just realized that i was basically just meant to do awful in life. i was basically born with an anxiety disorder and haven't been able to function since. i never ever did well in school and would be absent every other day from kindergarten to 8th grade, i had to repeat 8th grade and since that ive been homeschooled (not bc of covid). my whole life i have felt alone. nobody has ever stayed in my life, they all just leave me and i don't know how to fix whats wrong with me. i just want one person to stay and that's my kinda ex. im so in love with them and i just don't know what i would do if they left. i don't know if im ever going to be able to live on my own and work a full time job im just so depressed and unmotivated and i just hate it so much. i want to be able to afford my own place and pay bills and have a full time job i just don't know how im going to be able to cope with being overwhelmed with all of it. i jus want somebody in my life that is going to stay and help me and i want that to be them. and i want to know what is wrong with me because there is so much in my brain that just isn't wired correctly. i need a therapist that will actually work out (all of my previous therapists failed miserably) and i just want to feel okay. i want to know why im like this. i have so much repressed trauma i just want to remember it and actually have an explanation for why i am the way i am. i want to stop hurting myself, ive had this addiction for like 4 years and i just don't know how to stop. i want meds that actually work for me (ive been taking meds for as long as i can remember and they never work) i don't know how im going to achieve any of this and it's so fucking scary, especially when i feel so alone through it all.