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skull_girl

551d

I'm so tired I feel like I keep going through constant cycles of being happy and then feeling utterly sorry for myself My goals are always so close to reach and somehow I still fail to reach them I've attached myself unhealthily to this one influencer and I think I've realized it's just my way of coping bc I've never been in a relationship with someone I've truly loved or clicked with before, and considering how my parents' relationship is going, I fear I'll never click with someone, yet I also realize my own unhappiness with myself is problematic for any relationships I try to have and I have a lot of shit I need to work through I need therapy and I can't fucking find a therapist bc everyone either is too full or doesn't email me back I have been high-functioning for so long but it seems as the years go by I'm just less able to function I know I'm so young and I have so much of my life ahead of me but I'm worried about fucking it up for myself, worried about looking back and having so many regrets Sometimes I think about the fact that the only reason I haven't died yet is because I worry about my parents or brother finding my body and having to deal with so much more trauma than I'm struggling with right now I just wish things were better but every time things get better I just wish for more and I don't think I'll ever truly be happy or content with my life

Top reply
    • theend

      133d

      Hello skull_girl, I am on the other end, being old. Yet I deal with all the feeling you talk about. My only regret is that I was just to proud to talk and ask for help. Lying to hide my pain hurt the people I care about the most. Now I feel more alone than ever, even if I'm with my supporters. Honestly to yourself and those you care about my hurt, but it could save you some regrets. It's the regrets I can't heal in my heart, it's what keeps me from some of my healing. I proud of your strength to reach out! The pain that goes with reserved honesty is pain relief in my thoughts.

    • theend

      133d

      Hello skull_girl, I am on the other end, being old. Yet I deal with all the feeling you talk about. My only regret is that I was just to proud to talk and ask for help. Lying to hide my pain hurt the people I care about the most. Now I feel more alone than ever, even if I'm with my supporters. Honestly to yourself and those you care about my hurt, but it could save you some regrets. It's the regrets I can't heal in my heart, it's what keeps me from some of my healing. I proud of your strength to reach out! The pain that goes with reserved honesty is pain relief in my thoughts.

    • anemone

      550d

      so, the human brain is designed to always keep wanting more - your last point may be absolutely true, and it's not even a bad thing! the trick to keep it from hurting is to learn to appreciate what you do have by practicing mindfulness. even just taking a couple minutes each day to appreciate one thing that made your day better (or even only "less bad") somehow. it's not a magic bullet, but it can help you find the more gentle "contentness" even when you are over all unhappy. parasocial relationships are also a thing many people experience; most may not be felt as strongly as you feel for that influencer, but these sorts of relationships are even encouraged in a lot of celebrity culture (see: people calling themselves "miss [celebrity last name]"). it's also pretty common to feel like you've never really connected with someone in bpd, because the disorder affects sense of self, gives chronic feelings of emptiness, and features emotional amnesia that can leave you feeling completely cut off from even the person you love the most. there's a reason it's more common with people who have/had a rough family life, as well. does having a romantic partner define your worth or happiness, or is it maybe possible to get that connection from group settings or friends? i'm also hearing a lot of self-judgement about not reaching your goals. could it be that you're really setting goals that are unrealistic for yourself, even if they might be considered "easy to reach" goals? could you use the SMART model of goal setting to help yourself establish more feasible goals, and get feedback on the goals you set from a trusted friend (or even by sharing them here on alike)? or, if your issue is forgetting to address your goals, could you use tools like timers, goal tracker apps, and sticky notes in prominent places to help you achieve them? finally, you may be able to use free therapy apps (like chatowl or betterhelp) to help you stay stable while you work on finding an individual therapist. it's pretty tough to find one right now, but you may have better luck checking with your local major health systems (even if just to be put on a waiting list). if you don't like the therapist you find there, you can always use them as another stopgap until you can find a better one. let me know if you have any questions or feedback!

    • kittycrime

      551d

      Hey! Your post is so vulnerable, I had to respond. I understand not wanting to die just in case your family finds you, I live at home and have the same thoughts. Life just feels like so much some days and maintaining happiness seems impossible, and we can only be "high-functioning" for so long without support. When I told my therapist about feeling worried about losing my happy moments, she told me that on the flip side, when I'm in a depressive episode, I can look forward to coming out of it. Ups and downs never stay up and down, I suppose. I know that's not always easy to practice, though. Am sending love and support. 💙

    • Jennynicole345

      551d

      I feel for you. I battle with anxiety and depression too. Somedays I feel awful and somedays I’m happy. Just try your best in life and know you are not alone in this. Feel free to reach out to someone to talk to. I hope you have a good rest of your night.

☝ This content is generated by our users and it is not a substitute for professional medical advice. Please consult with your physician before making any medical decision

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