Dealing with Toxic Family Members: How to Navigate the Relationship

@HowPow thank u so much! It means more than u know.im not sure where to start and that's a challenge bc say the wrong thing wrong time or the wrong way......I am now paralyzed by the smallest task.i used to be one I looked up to.mantained a level of control and was someone I was happy to be. I knew I suffered from what cinduly " mom's" done done but I refused to be defeated. I showed signed early and only have life long friends who know where I come from. The things things I now only can relive every sec are literally killing me the things she did does lies abuse narcissistic manipulation how can u treat someone u r biologically programmed to live in such ways it destroys them inside out.iv never imagined anyone can be like this the pain and emptiness I feel inside is out of control. What she did toy daddy who passed how she stole memories I can't get back the lies just everything n that's the thing idk what to say.i do know I'm nothing I was it's like I am dieing and that's the truth n nothing can be done iv tried everything letters therapy counseling support groups talks I'm AFARID to breath and that's the truth.idk what to do. I live a life treated by these lies and reality that doesn't exist she has robbed cheated stole abused everyone she's come in contact with is the most selfish monster and I say that as good qualities.i used to pray for her to die so she wouldn't be in pain .so I wouldn't we wouldn't now I pray she lives forever I have no family and those I do are the exact same I was a shining example of a good person and after so long hearing how u r nothing and the cause for her place unlovable ...I'm now that I have not kissed a boy in 5 yrs o can't make a small decision I pave and shake about what silverware to pick up first I'm slapping myaf I'm asking if I'm ok to myself I can't talk to anyone there's too much to deal with when I could do it all I'm so very scared quick to anger so anxious I pass out cut hf my hair off and the other sides like one of those ASPCA dogs on tv I throw up everyday I won't lok in a mirror I'm jaded and filled with so much anger and pain I can't move . I loved e etypne and went out ofy way to make them feel good but I'm so loanily and I literally fill nothing but pain to fake a smile causes me physical pain now. I have been completely independent but suffered an injury at wk in 17 n had spine surgery where After yrs of her only spreading lies and not speaking to me told everyone it was nothing I have to constantly try n prove my worth and I know I shouldn't have to do that but .....my daddy suffered if not words by her and now he's gone I watched him suffer n beg as his proxy and I cannot get those images out of my mind I either cry state or don't move for weeks .in every sense of the word.i have an 11 yr old daughter who I definitely over compensated for from how I grew up but am sad for her to that I'm so messed up now I never thought life would turn out like this for me.i literally burned 150k in a grill bc it ate my insides after my settlement I gave the rest away now I'm bk to dollar store tampons I know this is a lot and I jump all over the place I just dk what else to say or how I'm sorry and appreciate u listening