Only have my mother to talk to, & she often doesn’t understand what I go through… Also, my dad is still abusively hostile towards me, even though I just turned 40, & I am totally reliant on them still, unfortunately, since my illnesses have kept me from working, so they support & help me. It sucks because I really need my parents help, but that means I am forced to deal with my dad’s unnecessary wrath, which is extremely triggering AND re-traumatizing, since he was both physically & mentally/emotionally/verbally abusive 2 me my entire life. The last time he assaulted me was back when I was an adult in college, in my 20s, although he last threatened to hurt me physically when I was in my mid-30s & was still living at their house. Now, I live by myself at my grandparents’ old house a few blocks away, & this big yard is getting out of hand, so I need help, but what he considers “helping” is coming over here to scream at me in my own yard, causing a whole scene, embarrassing me in earshot of neighbors, & berating & triggering me with threats of him hiring someone to “rip everything out of the planters & start over,” even though my dead grandfather planted some of these plants & he KNOWS that speaking like this to me will cause me to freak out!! The last time he did this, I got him to quit early & leave me alone because I called him an “emotional toddler,” since his anger prevents him from actually being helpful to me, &, the time before that, I’d begged him to stop because I felt myself getting heatstroke & thought I was going to have a heart attack, but he refused to stop, & I ended up violently nauseous & vomiting that night, & sick with a terrible migraine for the next few days…! :-/ So, his misplaced & unnecessary bad moods&temperament are actually detrimental to my health, but my mom ends up mad at me for “hurting his feelings” by stating the truth, & also a bit mad at him for making me upset & ill!! I do really hate that she has to be in the middle of all this & the fact that she’s had to play mediator between us my whole life(He has literally only apologized to my face maybe a handful of times ever in my life, &, the rest of the many, many, MANY times, otherwise, it was always my mom saying, “Your father’s sorry,” & I’m like, “So, why can’t he just tell me himself!?” & her favorite excuse for him has always been, “Well, you know how he is,” as if this is some kind of justification!), but I don’t think I’d still be here without my mother. So, don’t get me wrong, I love and am extremely grateful for both of them, but my mom is the only person I have to really talk to & rely on, & it can be tricky because she tries not to “take sides,” even though my dad is always the aggressor & in the wrong, & I don’t want to cause problems between them, or, worse yet, feel like it is somehow “my fault” for his anger, which he then takes home & turns on her…! So, even though my father is an insensitive, mean & disrespectful jerk to me(to put it nicely!!), & he makes me both physically ill & uncomfortable to even be in his presence, I am still dependent upon them for my survival in this life, & I am forced to test the limits of my extraordinary levels of patience & kindness in dealing with all of this in order to live & survive, since many illnesses & conditions have left me unable to function properly & take care of myself, much less be able to actually work & provide for :( myself!! Anyways…Sorry for the long rant, but you’re definitely not alone in your struggles, & I am here for you, too, if you ever want to chat & need a friend! 💜