Struggling with Trauma: Need Support

I can't get away from my traumatizers either and I'm constantly being triggered. My life is rarely, if ever, enjoyable now because I'm in a constant state of despair. That's my main symptom because they made me feel like I was nothing, just like trash they wanted gone, and that I could never be anything better. When I don't have them in my ear I can start to believe that maybe they're wrong about me but then it happens all over again. I'm afraid that eventually I'll completely lose myself and give up because my life is only pain and I'm tired of fighting. It's only the ptsd. Other than that my life is decent, but it doesn't matter if my brain and heart can only feel trauma. I'm not suicidal, I just hate my life now.

Only have my mother to talk to, & she often doesn’t understand what I go through… Also, my dad is still abusively hostile towards me, even though I just turned 40, & I am totally reliant on them still, unfortunately, since my illnesses have kept me from working, so they support & help me. It sucks because I really need my parents help, but that means I am forced to deal with my dad’s unnecessary wrath, which is extremely triggering AND re-traumatizing, since he was both physically & mentally/emotionally/verbally abusive 2 me my entire life. The last time he assaulted me was back when I was an adult in college, in my 20s, although he last threatened to hurt me physically when I was in my mid-30s & was still living at their house. Now, I live by myself at my grandparents’ old house a few blocks away, & this big yard is getting out of hand, so I need help, but what he considers “helping” is coming over here to scream at me in my own yard, causing a whole scene, embarrassing me in earshot of neighbors, & berating & triggering me with threats of him hiring someone to “rip everything out of the planters & start over,” even though my dead grandfather planted some of these plants & he KNOWS that speaking like this to me will cause me to freak out!! The last time he did this, I got him to quit early & leave me alone because I called him an “emotional toddler,” since his anger prevents him from actually being helpful to me, &, the time before that, I’d begged him to stop because I felt myself getting heatstroke & thought I was going to have a heart attack, but he refused to stop, & I ended up violently nauseous & vomiting that night, & sick with a terrible migraine for the next few days…! :-/ So, his misplaced & unnecessary bad moods&temperament are actually detrimental to my health, but my mom ends up mad at me for “hurting his feelings” by stating the truth, & also a bit mad at him for making me upset & ill!! I do really hate that she has to be in the middle of all this & the fact that she’s had to play mediator between us my whole life(He has literally only apologized to my face maybe a handful of times ever in my life, &, the rest of the many, many, MANY times, otherwise, it was always my mom saying, “Your father’s sorry,” & I’m like, “So, why can’t he just tell me himself!?” & her favorite excuse for him has always been, “Well, you know how he is,” as if this is some kind of justification!), but I don’t think I’d still be here without my mother. So, don’t get me wrong, I love and am extremely grateful for both of them, but my mom is the only person I have to really talk to & rely on, & it can be tricky because she tries not to “take sides,” even though my dad is always the aggressor & in the wrong, & I don’t want to cause problems between them, or, worse yet, feel like it is somehow “my fault” for his anger, which he then takes home & turns on her…! So, even though my father is an insensitive, mean & disrespectful jerk to me(to put it nicely!!), & he makes me both physically ill & uncomfortable to even be in his presence, I am still dependent upon them for my survival in this life, & I am forced to test the limits of my extraordinary levels of patience & kindness in dealing with all of this in order to live & survive, since many illnesses & conditions have left me unable to function properly & take care of myself, much less be able to actually work & provide for :( myself!! Anyways…Sorry for the long rant, but you’re definitely not alone in your struggles, & I am here for you, too, if you ever want to chat & need a friend! 💜