Dealing with Suicidal Ideation in a Relationship

When my partner and I argue, or he is upset with me, I experience su*cidal ideation. It feels like I just don’t want to be on this planet anymore or like he would be happier in the long run without me. I think it has to do with shame. When it happens, I try to reassure myself that the feeling will subside and just because I think it doesn’t mean I have to do it. It is scary though. And I feel guilty about it too. Yeah I’ve talked with my therapist about it and am practicing calming and mindfulness techniques. Caught me off guard today because I thought it was happening in reaction to his anger but he was very calm and it still happened. Healing isn’t linear, but sometimes I wish it was.