The Struggle with Body Dysmorphia

The urge of wanting to do something bad to yourself that will hurt but you don't want it to hurt... But you want to feel the pain it will cause. I think I feel like this because I don't like my body that my mind is traped in. So i want it to change it back to the way it was... but i don't remember what it was, so i just want to do something to get out of it. The shape, the size, the outline, the weight, non of it seems right to me. It feels like I accidentally went to the wrong body... I hate it. I want it to end. I want the feelings of chopping parts of my body off gone. but at the same time. I want to see blood on me. all over me. my blood. I wanna see chunks of my skin mixed with blood in my hands. I wanna see blood coming out of my nose, i wanna cry blood. but when I was throwing/coughing up blood a couple weeks ago, I was tariffed. I was scared that that was happening. but when I saw the blood in the bucket... I was happy / I laughed at it. made jokes. when I was throwing/coughing up, it hurn. but it was a good type of hurt...... I want to say more but I don't know if I can