Obsessed with Body Horror: Need Advice

(Tw:dismemberment, gore, & self harm)I’m not sure we’re this belongs but I have a serious obsession with blood, gore, disfigurement, & body horror. I very badly want to see myself cut open, intestines hanging out, dismembered limbs, gaping holes, or anything you could imagine: I want to see it happen to my body. I want to feel the pain but I don’t want it to hurt. I want to be bleeding to the point where I pass out. I want to be put in a hospital with bandages covering my body. I want to slice the skin off of my body. I want blood to pour from my mouth and nose. I want maggots to burrow in my skin and eat from the outside. I want needles to prince through the other side of my skin. I could go on and on and on about all the things I want to happen to me. But idk I just really want to be covered in my own blood and stuff. Also idk if I should put it here but I do self harm and it’s mostly because I like to see myself bleed. But I may also.. paint with it. Yes I have paint in reach but I just find blood to be better I love the look of it and how I know it came from me. And no the blood thing is not related to me feeling like i deserve it. Idk I just really love seeing myself bleed. is this normal? Is there a reason I feel like this? How should I tell people?