Struggling with Self-Harm and Eating Disorders

I don't know what to write here I guess I should probably say what's on my mind but the only thing on my mind lately is dying and I've thought about this many times I've tried to many times. everytime I self harm I feel better and I've tried many times to stop but I never can I have so many scars I hate going outside I don't want to hangout with anyone because I have so many scars and my personality is unwanted no ones likes my personality my friends tried but they are slowly giving up I'm so stubborn that I push them away. I was with this one boy and I loved him and I opened up and he left me and since that I havnt opened up and I feel bad because I feel liek I should open up but I can't and I'm writing so much I should probably stop but I can't because I have so much more to talk about and I don't know anyone that's going to read this so I feel like I can open up and no one will judge me because u don't know me I really hate when people judge me even if they don't I hate when people look at me and start talking even if they aren't talking about me I just hate people around people and I eat and I eat and I have gain weight and I want to lose it but I don't have the motivation to move anymore. so I stoped eating for awhile and it felt so good and I have struggled to not do it again I really just want to stop eating but when I go and hangout with people they always want to get food and I never want to but at the same time I want food I have a problem with food I want it but I don't it's so good but I hate it and I really should probably get help but I cant.