Shame and Fear When Trying to Relax with Anxiety and CPTSD

I feel it when I try to get things done. When I try to clean or get my work done, I get the crippling feeling that I am not worthy and that I won't be able to get the task done. It's getten a little better since I've been sticking to getting the dishes put away every day. But I can't stand to get help cleaning from my SO even though I need it. I feel like I have no chance at being helpful or being a co-provider. I know this stems from my childhood. I was never good enough for my extremely extroverted and critical mother. She always found something to point out that was less than adequate about what I was doing. I made it like my life's purpose to be exceptional at everything. When that clearly didn't work out, my self esteem went down the toilet. And it takes a lot of encouragement for me to feel good enough about myself to be productive. When I get to clean the house, I feel unbelievably good, because I was able to get around my problem. But any bit of emotional distress caused by my partner makes me fall apart again. Then I have to heal and put myself together all over again.

Just saying, "yep.". I have an almost impossible time relaxing, always tense, jumping at everything, hyper aware.

I always feel bad for relaxing especially if someone is doing stuff.... when I go out, I'm off by myself feeling super uncomfortable...