The Impact of Anorexia Nervosa on My Life

I was diagnosed with anorexia nervosa when I was 13 years old, about to turn 14.At only age 13 I was tracking calories, weighing myself daily, and exercising uncontrollably. I didn’t even think I was losing enough weight or looking malnourished until my family made comments are looked at me sadly. With the help of my mom (thankfully), I was able to get back on track and gained a healthy amount of weight through high school. Even though I am in ED recovery, I still look at food differently than everyone else and still exercise depending on what I ate that. The ED mindset is still very present in my head and I really have to try to push it aside to be somewhat normal.

It began so young for me (about 12 years old) so it impacted my entire adolescence and early 20s. One huge thing is that my digestive system is very messed up now, and I have a lot of stomach issues. I also am still trying to learn how to recognize my natural hunger cues and be in tune with my body. I spent so many years training my brain to ignore hunger. Another big thing is all of the years I spent hiding my behaviors and lying to people in my life. It damaged a lot of relationships. I try really hard to be honest now when I am relapsing, but that brings a lot of embarrassment and shame. I have a lot of social anxiety because there’s almost always food involved in social events. I have also spent a lot of years feeling suicidal because I hate being in my body so much. That one still comes up for me a lot, and I have to be careful if I’m putting lotion on or something to not fixate on everything I hate about my body.

Where to start… it has made going out with friends and family impossible. I can’t go to a restaurant without picking out my order a few days ahead and then stressing about it until my stomach hurts. I have turned down so many fun opportunities because of that. It has also ruined my past two birthdays because I felt I didn’t deserve cake or any food that I really wanted. I now can’t think of my birthday without having mental break downs. I also just have food on my mind 24/7. It’s the only thing I think of from right when I get up to when I fall asleep. It’s to the point where I get headaches, and food tastes like nothing. The overthinking has made me lose interest in doing anything I used to enjoy. The only “good” thing to come from it is I learned I have a passion for cooking and baking. It’s ironically the only thing that takes my mind off of my disorder. But, even this is built off of an unhealthy mind set. I initially started baking and cooking not because I wanted to, but because I used it “satisfy” my hunger by making food for other people. In short, it has ruined my life. I feel like I’m wasting my youth and will have no fond memories to look back on.