Feinix

239d

I feel so guilty. I watched my friend struggle for years with anorexia and bulimia, urged her to get better to the point of tears, literally had to watch her starve herself and there was nothing I could do. She went to rehab and is in a better place now, more engaged in her own life, looks so much better (obviously I didnt tell her that).
But I watched her struggle for so long and went through my own pain of watching her die....and now I'm doing the same thing. It's like I learned nothing. I never thought I would be the one to develop an ED. I still live with my parents so I can't seek help or they will force me to eat.
The truth is I don't want to get better just yet. I'm still literally, medically overweight. I want to have an ED so I can be pretty, then I'll recover. I know it doesn't work that way but idk. Idk.
But I still feel so guilty for thinking this way, because I know if it gets worse I will put her through the same pain I went through. I think of her every time I throw my lunch away. Every time I purge. But I hate that I care more about losing weight than anything I put anyone through. It's a sacrifice that has to be made. And I hate it.

Eating Disorder

Anorexia

Chronic Generalized pain

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