Struggling with Anorexia: My Hopeless Case

Ok so this is going to be long, maybe cw but I won’t use exact numbers - just like explaining severity and physical problems I’ve had I’ve had anorexia for 7 years now and it’s been the hardest thing Ever. I’ve been to treatment about 30 times now and I feel like I’m a hopeless case (and some medical professionals have said that too) I started obese, then was extremely underweight and apparently on the verge of flatlining multiple times. I wasn’t supposed to make it a few times. But one place I was at had a specific weight amount you had to gain daily and I started sneaking food to get privileges because I would gain weight. After leaving I started binging and purging and was overweight though not as bad as before. But it is so bad - I can’t think about anything else and I am an absolute wreck. I’m heavily restricting again now but I’m not losing weight but my body is also “in trouble” like my labs, I have osteopenia, POTS, I’m very orthostatic and sometimes hypoglycemic, I can’t stop exercising and I’m barely eating anything. Treatment is not an option financially anymore and I can’t get better on my own. I have doctors and a therapist but I can’t change. I’m so scared I’ll gain more weight and I can not cope with that. I just can’t. I feel like the worst person ever, I’m never going to amount to anything, and this is going to be my life until the day it does take me. I don’t know what to do or where to start, I’m so ugly and I can’t stand myself I can’t even describe how much I hate myself and nothing I do ever changes it and I’m so done.