Bunnyseer

394d

heres just a depression vent
i love my best friend and we have a huge friend group where a lot of similar hobbies and careers. most of us are artists. My best friend, G, is awesome. normally if theres a party or something, she comes to my house several hours early so we can just hang because we dont often get time together. The "problem" is shes better than me in almost every way. She typically doesnt realise whats going on other than shes invited. That means a lot of last minute gifts made at my place. For example, one year I spent about 8 hours making a pair of earrings for a friends birthday. i worked really hard, and she didnt like them. i understand why, i tried to play to her maturity and practical applications, when she probably didnt want something like that. But the stuffed rat i taught G to make with my supplies in 15 minutes recieved uproarous applause. The friend still has the stuffed rat, but gave away the earrings instantly.
i taught G how to work with polymer clay and a couple months later a friend asked us if we could make her some simple cake toppers, i let G do it cause she had less on her plate at the time. Everyone went crazy, asking for her business cards, ect, she doesnt have a store, even though i did at the time.
One time it was a pool party, G didnt read the invite. I was devastated the swimsuit i bought didnt fit. i knew it would fit her and was really cute so i let her have it, everyone complimented her, absolutely loved it.
All of these occasions I was so happy for my friend, she deserves recognition. Shes awesome, and did do all the cool stuff. It just makes me wish i was good enough to deserve the praise she gets. Its often later on the way home that i get the "yours was nice too!" talk. I know she means it, and im sure at some level she understands. But its genuinely devastating to only be recognised by your friends as your only achievement being "you arent dead" or "you try 10 times harder than anyone else." Its devastating never measuring up to anyone else. i never do anything well. i never feel pride for what ive done. Ive never really recieved praise for my efforts, only my results, and i havent had results since elementary school. Sometimes if we are on the topic of elementary school i talk about how teachers often mistreated me, and they agree, but no one could ever explain it. I was always a victim and i try really hard not to be.
i havent had a therapist in a long time because my last one would laugh at everything i said, then in feb 2020 said covid wasnt real and i shouldnt worry about. that was the last time ive seen him. I lost my insurance so im now in search of another therapist, Im 22 so child therapists wont see me, but adult therapists catagorize me as adolescent. Ive often been called snake-bitten. Im not quite clumsy, just bad stuff often happens to me causing injury or despair. I cant really change anything, only try to manage. but i do that pretty alright. just needed to talk to someone, scream into the ether. if you read all this, thanks

Depression

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  • Aliysium

    394d

    Please keep looking for a therapist that will support you and help you work through things. I have heard it takes some people several tries to find a therapist they work well with.

  • Mila

    394d

    First of all I want to praise you for your effort, for coping with the struggles that life brings you and for not giving up! The fact that you want to get help and find someone new to talk to is a massive step, you should be proud of yourself! And I really encourage you to keep looking for the right person, I'm convinced that you'll find a better therapist and you'll keep learning and helping yourself. good luck!!

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