Desperate for Insight on Joyful Life After SA/Physical Assault

feeling desperate for some insight from any of you who have gone on to feel joyful in life after SA/physical as**ult. I’m scared of this “perfect storm” that i’m still in, though everyone close to me speaks to me without my prompting, as though it’s a past tense “event” since I got out of the hospital over a year ago.. it hasn’t. my body hurts, relationships crumble, hopes I used to have aren’t real in my heart like they used to be. I have (since I was little) found hope in showing up for those I love above and beyond my own wishes for how somebody may someday love me in more than those words.. yet now i’m stretched thin and everyone close to me claims I need to stand up for myself in the other relationships? but god forbid I stand up for myself to them? it’s a hamster wheel I don’t know how to get off. I’m so tired. tired of therapy, tired of meds, tired of doctors checking my bloodwork panels or doing chiropractic or acupuncture evaluations telling me they “don’t know how i’m alive”.. it’s so painful. the last doctor I went to asked me about what landed me in the hospital and explained and when I detailed the aforementioned (not detailing it here because y’all don’t need to hear about that out of the blue) she continued on with questions then went back and said “how does it feel to have hallucinated that” I held my panic in and my tears and I knew I just had to suck it up for the rest of the appointment.. I said calmly as I could, “huh? that happened to me.. in real life..” her face lost all color and she began stuttering over her words. every day I wake up and do my best to pretend (when around others) and work on practicing coping mechanisms.. but eventually I realize those coping mechanisms were just me pretending toward myself, which is cool, except.. it barely registers in any genuinely healing way, even after a long while. I’m sure this is vague. i’m just shaky writing it and I feel nervous about posting but here I am. thank you so much for reading and for any insight or advice or stories of your own. 💝