Struggling with an Eating Disorder: Is it Normal to Not Want to Recover?

I was never diagnosed either, but I've had disordered eating most of my life. Even through recovery, I have kept the urge to go back. What helped me was thinking of my ed as it's own person who was bullying me essentially. I started with deleting ALL the body check photos I had, finding a real "why" to commit to recovering for, and I started recivery out by pretending. I faked a lot of bravery, a lot of positivity in my first two years of recovery, and I've relapsed a few times. But it is possible, and it is worth it. ❤️ You're not at all a bad person for it.

I also have never been diagnosed. But I kinda feel the same? On one hand I want to recover and be healthy but on the other. I don't actually want to stop.

It’s actually quite common to not want to recover. If recovery was easy then everyone would do it and eating disorders wouldn’t even be a problem. For me personally it required a lot of force from the people around me and hitting rock Bottom in order to get myself to attempt to turn things around. I think a huge thing to think about is that eating disorders end two ways 1) death 2) recovery. Although it’s hard to accept (something that I still struggle with now) it’s the truth. You’re either eventually gonna have to get better or continually get worse until you die. The farther you go down the Ed rabbit hole the harder and more uncomfortable it is to recover. If you need any more motivation or advice feel free to message me!

i wanna come right out the gates with saying that you’re by no means a horrible person for feeling this way. disordered eating often comes from how you’re feeling, ie wanting to obtain a certain figure or otherwise. if you’re reaching your goal, whether it’s in a healthy or not, you’re going to continue your routine (thus furthering along your ed/de). im not qualified to give you advice or analyze your situation, but at the very least i can say that i hope that you can find peace and comfort in your own body. you’re loved, and you deserve to feel fed and well-rested. pm me if you wanna talk further, im happy to listen :)