Attention and concentration deficit

I have to be alone so will excuse myself, sometimes explosively but those around me know and are learning to be better at how I need space and to encourage me to leave triggering situations as sometimes I get paralysed, sometimes I need to hit things so I try to direct that to safe objects like sofa cushions, the fastest most effective ways for me to calm down is I’ll go on my phone and start aggressively writing down what I feel, in my notes app if it’s very irrational or mean and I’ll write it with the intention of sending it to friends/family after but sometimes change my mind but I usually talk my feelings through with people that I feel safe with after either way but might reword things when my head is clearer, after writing everything down which is sometimes just brief outbursting notes and other times I’ll spend hours writing an essay basically as I have so many thoughts I’ve kept in, then I’ll put on a YouTube video or go on tiktok and doom scroll basically often not paying attention to what I’m watching for a while, often I’m very tense my jaw all clenched just dissociating staring at my phone which doesn’t feel good but it doesn’t tend to take long before something catches my interest and distracts me and then I relax and regulate my nervous system. The healthier and more therapeutic method for me though is picking up my guitar or sitting at my piano and playing some songs I sing to since I sing and I always choose songs that resonate with my feelings, I’ll often cry while singing and have to pause and redo bits cuz my voice cracks but it helps me safely and controlled experience my emotions and work through them until they’re less big. I tend to be much calmer and more positive after this and I’ll play for 2 or so hours, I don’t usually talk to anyone much for the rest of the day and have to sleep to recover the energy lost but it usually makes things feel much less world ending like they often do and that’s nice for me. I do have a chronic dissociation issue though and sometimes I’ve been holding things in for too long and I need to let them out and that’s when I’ll shut myself in my room, turn off the lights and put on a sad playlist and I’ll silent scream sobbing to the music, replaying songs that hurt my heart more until I’ve exhausted myself utterly and it’s very painful and can make me ill after but it’s healthy for me to just get it out every so often, I need to erupt sometimes and it’s a way to decompress, when I’m too tired to go on or I have slowly lost the bad feelings and become more numb/comfortable and **start getting easily distracted** I then stop and make sure I drink a lot of water as my head always pounds and then I sleep for a long time and slowly readjust taking time to rest and care for myself for the next few days, I’ll again play guitar/piano the next day if not immediately after as well because I need that for self soothing and I’ll either text someone about my feelings still again or I’ll just write it down I have to write it, I’m very into writing anyways but if I don’t have the energy for that I’ll sometimes have a fake conversation explaining myself out loud just to myself as well. The quicker I can get to the writing and guitar phase the better as it brings me down and prevents physical damage and pain to my body with longer lasting side effects, whether that’s from me harming myself accidentally during an episode or my body aching and attacking me (I have autoimmune issues) from the stress of it after. I think it’s a very personal thing to figure out but art is the answer, sometimes you need easier faster solutions to avoid sh etc but whatever art form speaks to you is the way to truly get out of it and recalibrate. Oh also a little tip, when immediately trying to regulate ur nervous system to snap out of full blown meltdown/panic attack/ anxiety attack etc, try to go outside/just look somewhere where you’re taking in a wide view, look into the distance and take note of ur peripheral

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hiii i'm ali / ydris, i actually don't have any specific reason to be here, just wanted to see what this app was like. i'm veeeery into music (metal music mainly) and formula 1 — what are your favourite few things?

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