Struggling with a Toxic Friendship

tw: f slur, bodyshaming, idk if it is but manipulation? (this is gonna be kinda long sorry in advance) I feel completely alone. (a little introduction 'K' is going to be the main person 'L' will be another but not who I'm focusing on also 'N'). I have this 'best friend' and we have been friends for 5 years now and I'm starting to hate her. I will admit I was kinda mean to her a little when we first met but I was like /young/ and started fights over dumb stuff sometimes bc I was immature. eventually I grew out of that within a year and changed and I did my best to make her feel happy, appreciated special and I said sorry a lot and idk if it was fake from the beginning or not but I feel like I took the old her for granted (this is starting to sound weird idk sorry if it does this is my first time explaining what happened to anyone) I genuinely loved her and cared for her idk if I still do but I did. but over the year we kept getting into more and more fight I can't even count them all but it's like she changed completely over those years throughout those fights she always made me feel like shit I know for a fact I said some messed up stuff but it's the more recent stuff she said about me that has gotten to me those most. she has completely ruined my self esteem worst then my mother and I feel like just giving up idk. one of the most recent things is this thing with 'N'. 'n' and I used to be close friends but he made me extremely uncomfortable and used to do sexual stuff with me like touch my thigh put his fingers in my mouth when I tried talking said n word called me the f slur send me dick pics ect.. but I was extremely lonely at the time and he told me he was gay (he later told me that was a lie bc it was a dare to out a closeted kid or something like that) so I let it slide because I was scared that my only friend would leave me like (at this point me and k where fighting I think and me and L where also fighting and we fought a lot and k constantly left me for L) he told me he loved me and even though I wasn't ready yet I said it back and he said we should date lol and I was like lol haha very funny (because I thought he was gay) we eventually got into a fight because he got a girlfriend (I was already mad at me and I feel shitty I didn't stop any of the other shit but I didn't tell him to stop or no so ig it is kind of my fault but I was mad at him bc me and K got back together and N tried to get us to split up again) and I was are you bi? because you told me you were completely gay and he told me that it was just a complete lie and laughed so I was devastated and I told k about what happend and when I told her I cried she told me I was overreacting about the other stuff and that it was weird I cried. (also I felt forced to get over what happend). fast forward to a month or two later and me and her got into another fight this time she decided to make my life a living hell. she became friends with N and got her friend to constantly talk shit on me in front of me she eventually told me when we became friends again and even though I didnt completely forgive her because all she said was basically 'sry lol I was mad at u' and then I told her how much she hurt me and then she changed the subject and I got swept up in her lies again and thought well maybe this time actually did change. she told me a few things she said she told me that N body shamed me a lot but I kinda think that it was both of them (this is the fifth year in our friendship btw) after some time past and a few ppl told me to get over what happend with N I eventually gave up and just ignored him and pretended like it didn't happen even tho it still hurts me. L and I became kinda close until her best friend who she was fighting with at the time ( at this point I was thinking that I was Trans but still rn I'm still not sure) her friend called me a bunch of slurs and to this day I still get called slurs like the t slur and the f slur but anyway we got into fight and out of fights and into fight you get the point but recently I was lonely I wasn't friends with L again or K but K came back and was like hey let's be friends again I actually changed for the better this time I was lonely so I said yes but this time I felt numb and I felt like I just didn't love her I think I do but I was tired of our same routine were friends, we fight, she makes my life hell, she apologizes kinda, I say ok bc if I don't shell get mad and make my life hell again, repeat. most recently she had something happen to her that is similar to what happend to me and N and I supported her because I knew what it felt like I didn't do what she did to me even tho I kinda wanted to make her feel how I felt and don't get me wrong I feel terrible for feeling this way. but she decided since N and this guy who made her uncomfortable are best friends she wanted to talk to N about what happend so that he would be on her side. she knew this would make me uncomfortable but she did it anyway (btw I can get really paranoid sometimes) and so I was like can I be there and she said yea and he ended up saying some transphoic shit and it really got to me and I was upset with her and sad and she was like are you mad at me? you shouldn't be mad at me I had nothing to do with what he said? I'm just trying to make like easier for myself some being selfish. I was completely broken at this point so I just gave it and I'm trying to act like I don't care so I was like you know what it's Easter let's not fight I don't give a fuck about that shit anymore it's fine but I do care about it and I feel like actually giving up and idk I thought that getting my feelings out on here would help me feel better. but in summary being friend with K has taught me a lot like that I'm worthless I'm a selfish piece of shit that I'm a fat faggot tslur bitch who doesn't deserve to be cared for that I don't deserve friends and our friend ship has always been the same way. I genuinely do not know what to do ( were still friends and I'm just burying my feelings deep down so she won't get mad at me) please tell me your thought I might take this down later because I don't want her to find this but please tell me what you think. ( sorry this was long and it might have some typos).