Struggling with Weight Loss and Self-Hatred

rant about being frustrated with trying to lose weight. I'm so fat. I keep losing weight just to gain it back. looking at myself and how much my body has changed just has been making me crazy these last few days. I gained 6 lbs this month, which isn't too much, but given that I was hoping to lose a few, it hurts. I just hate my body so much and I'm so lonely which makes it worse. I hate thr overhang of my belly. I feel like I wasn't this conscious of how much I hate my body before, but now that I'm counting calories and tracking food and trying to be strict with how much I work out, it's just worse. I want to be in shape again and I want to do it fast, prior to both visiting family I haven't seen in several years (in jan) and starting medical school (in august). It's not even like I'm trying to be a skinny size Two. I'm just trying to not be obese for once, and I need to lose like 25 pounds just to be overweight insteD of obese (yes I know bmi is a lie but it hurts that my goal is something most of my friends wouldn't imagine ever getting). I feel like my friends distance me because I'm fat, they'll post things with their skinnier, hotter friends, but not eith me. because of how many fights I get in with my parents and grandparents about me being fat, I feel useless and feel like I'm doing my little sister's more harm by existing than by just disappearing. I don't want to hate myself. but it's just like without giving attention to how much i hate my body, I don't have enough motivation to actually put in the discipline and effort to get healthier. I want to throw away my scale and stop calorie counting. but I know by doing that I'm just gonna gain another 20.