Struggling with Recovery: Need Advice

I would say don’t beat yourself up too much about it. Recovery definitely isn’t linear! I’ve been in recovery 5+ years, and I’ve noticed a massive improvement in my mindset/relationship with food. I’d say I’m 90% recovered from anorexia symptoms. However, I still struggle with purging (like maybe once a week). Just keep trying and keep eating. If you have a bad day, make sure you don’t hold it against yourself and try again the next day. I remember 3-4 years ago thinking “I’ve been recovering for 1-2 years, and I’m still struggling everyday.” It was hard, but it did slowly improve. Just give yourself time!

Hmm which time? Joking, but the point is valid. I've gotten better and worse and better again and worse again what feels like a million times. "Getting better" is not a linear trend up and up until you're perfect. It can be slow at first. And hard. So freaking hard. Today I went to class for the first time since Tuesday and the whole 10min walk from my apartment to the classroom, I wanted to turn around and go back to bed. Class was miserable and I was so tired and my head hurt. Then I took an exam that went very poorly because I haven't had the energy to study. Then I ate lunch. It was a hard morning, but it was better than lying in bed. It's not like tomorrow will be any easier, but I took baby steps today and that's better than standing still. I tell you about this maybe to remind you that getting better doesn't happen overnight but is a long, slow, difficult process where there WILL be bad days, but there will be good days too - or at least better days. There are things to help of course. Therapy, good diet and hydration, exercise, etc. But I get what you mean about what is the first step. I think finding a therapist who you work well with is a very important first step. They can get to know you and guide you in the right direction. There are other psychological things that can get in the way too. Things like feeling comfortable and safe in the mental illness, fear of failure (what if I try super hard and do all the right things and still can't get better?), fear of success (what if I get better and I'm still not smart/pretty/cool/etc. enough?), and honestly so many more. I hope you find something that works for you!