Struggling with My Gender Identity and Social Acceptance

I really struggle with my sexuality and identity. I am unsure how else to explain it other than sharing my journey. I've been spiritually walking towards myself, two spirited and not by choice. lived my whole life as man with the feelings and thoughts of a woman and guidance of both my spirit animals that I feel share similarities with both masculinity and femininity. I don't seek surgery or want to really identify with things I know have much less to do with the validity of parts and focus purely on the journey. I've felt drawn in by the nature and feel of my time on this earth, coming to a understanding of who I am in the world. But when I'm around people in public it tends to feel extremely boxed and ridged with everything strictly being assigned. I very much don't fit in and its obvious that i dont . I never did fit in with my family, while not vicious with intent, they couldn't understand that I'm the one in the family to have a deeper connection with my native heritage. so I was largely ostracized so I'm use to it from them. But recently I moved away from my family and restarted in the midst of covid.....so things changed and got really tough. especially with my identity. I felt I knew and had a handle on who I am, feeling pretty content about it as well....but now i am vulnerable and timid and anti social and its the total opposite to the comfortable happy person i normally present. a lot of which is why I'm trying to share this now, I dont have any desire to put a label or a definition about who I am, but I can't help find myself constantly feeling pressure to be a man and I long for validity in feeling womanly. i don't understand why it's suddenly important for me to feel like I have to define it. I honestly wish I can stop being considerate of the world surrounding me. I don't enjoy feeling that way because it always makes me awkward and I clam up. I Just don't enjoy this panicked free fall background noise that gets more intense as my day goes. I feel there is so many things to unpack cause there really is so much. I'm currently waiting to eventually have medical coverage from my job to properly find myself a therapist. I've been needing it for a long time, longer than I expected and much longer to anyone's idea of seeking professional mental health because I haven't felt right or helped in that category since 2010. so I'm long overdue for help. just a little longer till I can get it.