Remembering Who I Was Before BPD

During college (age 18-22) I was very happy and very proud of who I was. In the process though I really blocked out the first 18 years of my life. Now I’m realizing I have a hard time knowing “who I am”. Trying to answer that question by looking back at who I’ve been throughout my life. Having a hard time remembering and even worse time accepting who I was. (Mostly because of trauma and homophobia) Something about all of this is really hitting right now to the point I can’t really function. I definitely cannot live up to the success I had when I was 18-22 :(

I dissociated through my childhood and teenage years. I remember important chunks of my life and some traumas. I didn't think I would be anything growing up because my parents always said "you'll never decide what you want to do" and I still haven't. They wouldn't let me really. I remember crying and coming out bisexual at 12 to my homophobic parents but they acted like it was nothing (also the same when I came out as nonbinary at 23, but they've been harsher to me now without mentioning the LGBTQ). I never wanted to be anything. I didn't want to do anything other than eat and be with my boyfriend. I felt suicidal a lot growing up. I was a straight A student but it was because of my parents expectations. Idk I'm still trying to find out who I am now and who I want to be. When I describe myself to new people I say "I like arts and crafts and tv" but I don't like any of those things. I only know how to participate in it.

i’ve always been this way

I think i always had it

Honestly feel like I’ve always had it