i thought i was getting better. the thought of him didnt bother me anymore. but today i saw him. i was in a 3 foot range of him for 10 minutes. hes a cousin and i havent told anyone in my family except my mom. she was texting me asking if i wanted to leave but i just kind of froze. i couldn't move and was just looking blankly at my phone. im pretty sure i was dissociated. i just couldnt look him in the eyes. just seeing his shirt freaked me out. i feel horrible. i cant go to family weddings, parties or even funerals unless i want to feel this overwhelming paranoia. i was about 6 or 7 at the time when it happened. he is only a year older than me and it makes me feel as if what happened to me isnt a big deal and feel stupid when i ask for help. i forced it out of my head for years, i fanally accepted it when i was about 14 or 15. i feel like i should be over this but i feel like im that little girl again. expecting a fun game and only getting a dirty feeling. i dont know how to control it.

Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder (PTSD)

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  • cupidxoxo


    Coming to terms with SA (especially by a family member) is difficult. Of course you've probably had people tell you this but tell your most trusted family member. As for feeling dirty or soiled it's important to acknowledge that you were a child but now older. Instead of viewing yourself as younger again try viewing your younger self next to you and you're trying to calm yourself down. Being in touched with your younger self will slowly help you realize boundaries you need to set now in order to not be triggered. The journey doesn't have to be over night as long as you try. Of course, therapy is always the ideal, but it might be expensive where you are. So understanding and identifying your triggers is a good way to begin healing. I recommend carrying a "reset" item. Something that makes you remember more positive times. Blanket, stuffed animal, or a letter. Something with positive personal connections. PTSD is no joke regardless of how you got it. You will grow and find methods that work for you. Take care of yourself darling because you are mosaic artwork ❤️

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