Living with Cystic Fibrosis: A Daily Struggle

i was diagnosed with CF at birth. as the years have gone on, it’s affected my body in so many ways and it’s very defeating. feeling like you’re watching yourself slowly decaying and getting worse, knowing there’s more coming and it’s going to continue because it’s a lifelong chronic illness. as a child and teenager, i never took care of myself. i didn’t until i was 21, when i almost died due to my heavy smoking (marijuana), not doing treatments, and being too scared to go to my doctors due to intense fear of being hospitalized. (my slight drug usage that lasted roughly six months back in 2020 probably didn’t help, and drinking a few times after my 21st.) i was faced with death, so i HAD to take care of myself and now my life is so overwhelming. it’s very difficult to live your life around treatments, medications, the feelings that come with those things, and having to avoid a lot of things (humidity, extreme cold, smoke, etc.) adding on poor mental health, it’s all very defeating. chronic illness + poor mental health = perfect combination for suicide. having it put this way really has me feeling some type of way. i struggle with keeping up with my regimen and it landed me back in the hospital three more times last year. moving forward, i expect at least five hospitalizations this year to get procedures done. i fortunately have a great support system and i definitely appreciate those people, but it’s a lot to put on somebody, and your supports can only help so much. they don’t understand being in it, on the other side of watching it. it’s nice to have people who understand being in it (though i am very sorry to those who do, because of everything that comes with it.) my mental and physical sickness are both pushing me to the feelings of “what’s the point?” but it’s very intense. between the BPD and CF, i feel like suicide is inevitable for me and i just don’t want that. (i don’t need to be committed, i don’t feel like it’s going to happen soon, just eventually. i have also spoken to my social worker and therapist and we have formulated a plan in case it does get bad.) add to all of this, i spent almost a year being homeless (i had somewhere to stay, but the head-of-household was very toxic and could’ve thrown me out at any point.) i live with my mother again. i have no source of income. i’m waiting for my disability application to go through, so i don’t wanna risk that if i attempt to get a job. i also feel that i wouldn’t be able to hold a job anymore due to all the time i need to dedicate to my regimen, doctors appointments, hospitalizations, etc. anyways, thank you for reading. ♥️ this journey is very hard, and we’re all very strong. i assume at some point, you’ve all thought “sometimes i don’t wanna be strong. i just wanna breathe (hahah, CF pun as well.) i wanna live a normal life. i don’t feel like i have time or resources to do any of the things i want to.” i have so much love for all of you, and i don’t know any of you. :) we’ve all got this 💪🏻 (even if we don’t want to.) keep going!! keep moving forward!! CF takes soo much from us, so take back what you can and also FIGHT BACK. KICK ITS ASS (to the best of your ability.)