The Struggle of Journaling for Healing

So I started journaling again. This is day 2 and even though it’s only two days it’s a lot more than I’ve been doing for a while. I hate journaling, I hate silence, I hate actually paying attention to my thoughts and feelings, I wish they could all just be good. And that’s kind of silly to say, I get it because healing isn’t easy, but honestly it kinda sucks. I used to love journaling and sitting in silence, only because I learned how to dissociate in command and not have to “deal” with my reality. I mean, I didn’t realize I was intentionally dissociating because I thought blocking out memories and feelings that were harmful was healthy. Also the church applauded repressing the past and beat down on me every time I tried to bring the past up. Lots of undoing. Undoing what sitting in silence looks like. Now it looks like limiting distractions so I can focus on what’s actually going on inside of me. Undoing journaling, I’m writing it all down, it’s not pretty and it’s not fun and it’s not comfortable, but I guess healing never is. Also, I found a councilor, hopefully she’s good! The other ones I’ve tried are so bad it’s not even funny!