Struggling as a System Host

venting becausr a huge panic wave of guilt and sadness just hit 🤗🤗 i honestly feel like im failing as a system host. like terribly failing. i mean, solar is upset because i missed his birthday(february 15th) because i was busy and he never fronts anyways so it wasnt my first priority (not in like a rude way). and dont get me wrong, i tried to wish him a late birthday, and he was upset and just walked away and i havent seen him since. not to mention how tia and i believe that z is going to relapse and possibly kill herself because of the whole situation that happened in november. basically what happened was that z and vivian were together but viv was sick but trying to get better. then around november 26th, vivian was at an all time low, and we had to send her away to get better, but i dont think it helped. z hasnt been the same since. and honestly, she gets worse everyday. i think the system as a whole would hate to lose her because of how close she was to vivian and its almost like viv is still with us in some way because of z. but i dont think we can prevent what happens. i also am even more worried about them (a friend, whoch we wont name) but they have been gone for 3 months now and im scared that thsy wont be coming back. they are the best thing ive ever had and i cant bear to lose them. so quite frankly if i lose them, im gonna lose myself too.