Dealing with a Narcissistic Mother

trauma dump ig i just need to tell somebody ig. i think my mom is a huge narcissist and im so fucking ready to leave but scared to at the same time. i love her but i hate her. its been this way as long as i can remember. some of the really bad things shes done is mimic me in the midst of me having a panic attack then telling me if anyone saw me theyd put me in a mental institution. worst part is when she raised her voice at me i held my breath and she took that as i was having a temper tantrum and her raising her voice stopped it but really i was almost fucking passed out and light headed. another time is when i finally came to terms with my therapist about being molested at 6 years old and he told me it might be best to tell my mom if i felt comfortable. i go to the car and i tell her she needs to be in the next appointment and she asks why. i tell her i would tell her in the next meeting. cue screaming about how i make her look like a bad mom all the time and how dare i tell a complete stranger something and not her when she signed me up for therapy??? i remember freezing and not moving which pissed her off even more so she slapped me across the face and that i believe started a ptsd attack. as soon as i got home i called my therapist and hid in my closet screaming at anyone touching me (god the whole thing was terrifying it really felt like i was losing my mind) she tore the phone away and was sweet caring mom again like she wasnt the fucking person who started the fucking shit. or when she brought home a shit ton of different guys and i confronted her about how it made me uncomfortable. cue: you are ruining my life, my child will not boss me around like this, its my fucking house, its about time you get over your stepdad (he hung himself after being drunk and high on meth and heroin and was mentally abusive while on his highs but thats a completely different story) saying how is she going to live her life if im always controlling it. then she accused me of spying on her because during the arguement i said that some of the things her bfs did make me uncomfortable (they were on a videocall in the kitchen, i was fucking cooking, and he knew i was there cause i said hello before he started talking very inappropriately to my mom) and she conpletely lost it saying i need to stay out of her shit and leave her alone and stop listening in on her 'private' conversations. or when we went on a college visit and was so immature the entire time, embarrasing the fuck out of me. the tour guides were very nice and asked what major i wanted to do and mom answers for me and says she really wishes i change my mind cause what i want to do is stupid (i want to be a fucking kindergarten teacher ffs) then gaslit me later when i told her it made me upset she said that, "you do what you want i just want the best for you i just want you to be a nurse like everyone else here" thats YOUR dream not MINE you should have gone to fucking college instead of begging my dad at 18 years old for a fucking kid and went to fucking COLLEGE. i am so done i cant do this anymore. today my younger brother (4) tripped over my dog who was just drinking his water and it scared my big scary pants so he spilt his water on accident. cue: if you dont go lay down you piece of shit. i was shocked and told her it wasnt my dogs fault no one is hurt there is just a little mess to clean up and i guess i looked at her disgusted because cue: im so fucking tired of you, i cant wait till you leave and im done mommying you, its a fight every day. you BEGGED my dad to fucking have me im sorry im not your fucking doll that acts and thinks just like you. gosh i get honor roll, graduating with honors, multiple scholarships stay out trouble, never vaped or smoke or drinked and you treat me like im the worst thing to ever walk the fucking planet. sorry i just dont have anyone to tell this right now im so tired and fed up but she is still my mom yaknow. i still love her. i just ugh idek