Struggling with Abandonment and Self-Love

So you were thinking of me (Only to lie to people, to save face) That’s ok! Really, I know it’s not easy to explain that someone gave up on you. It puts you in a tough position. I caused that. (No I didn’t) “Message received” “She really needs a good friend, she has been acting crazy and irresponsible lately…That’s not my girl” Your daughter was hurt by me. I hate how you think so highly of me. You would only love your children conditionally anyway. Stop talking to me (What am I doing? Why do I want to abandon you so badly? I wanted to be your friend. I did. But my brain. A human brain. The most complex thing to the known universe, convinces itself over and over that you and those I love only love me for the person they think I am. They don’t like me. And I was tired of given love after begging for it. It’s a disgusting thing.) I’m the drama in her life. “Some drama about something, I hope what ever it is y’all get past it.” There is no getting past it right now. (Right now?) Yeah, I’m trying to live in the present. (It sounds like there’s hope that-) No, no THERES not. I want to stop thinking about her. What do I say to you? Mother of the one I gave up on? (Stop saying you gave up on her) Isn’t that what I did though? /As an act of self love, you cut them out/ You cut her out. But she’s still here. Or maybe I’m just hungry. I haven’t eaten well as of late. Did you know that those who have gut issues have a statistically significant chance of having depressive symptoms? Also it’s 12:35am and I have a 9am. Maybe you’ll dream in one of the realities that didn’t go to shit. I can’t believe that out of all the beliefs I discounted, the multiverse is one I still hang on to. But as of late, it seems that my other realities aren’t letting me in. (No dreams? Untrue, all humans dream 7-14 dreams a night) Perhaps, maybe I’m just not allowed to remember those dreams.