Esoteric_Fae

304d

Hello there,

As of recently I was diagnosed bi-polar 2 due to my influx of multiple emotions but, I realized that I also felt that while I definitely am bi-polar I have what feels like alters that have stemmed from periods of traumas from my life that I wanted to look more into. My endless amounts of research lead me to DID and OSDD.

I feel as though I relate to both extremely and want to bring it up to my psychiatrist. What lead me to thinking this was because I realized I had whole beings with distinct characteristics I’ve labeled, that both feel like me but also don’t.

My altars:
The queen- she’s ruthless, despises men, she feels protective. She comes out in periods where I’m being disrespected by a man or have been utterly repulsed by a man’s behavior, she is the direct, “don’t take sh*t from any man” and she is going to tell them off and loves to crush their egos as a fun past time. She doesn’t come out as often anymore because I’ve cut off terrible men from my life but I believe she was created from all the trauma regarding men who have dehumanized me, disrespected me, abused me, and took me for granted.

Lilith- she is the sexual deviant, i haven’t seen her in a while but she was with me during a very impulsive period of my life that sparked a lot of sexual trauma. I was living in survival mode and didn’t have anyone I knew in a new state nor did I have a home of my own. She used her charms to get the things that she wanted from men who she knew was already using me for my body. Her mindset was “well if this is something I’m unable to avoid right now, we are going to hit then back with it to keep ourselves from being harmed.” Thankfully she isn’t present because in the long run after coming out of that period I was hit with a lot of disgust and shame.. I felt so used even despite that being my altars mindset, my body felt gross and my heart hurt.

The jester- doesn’t take over my whole being anymore but exists in the back of my mind and always wants to come out but I won’t let them. They are the absolute embodiment of all of my impulsivities that harmed me in the past, I worked and healed myself in order to not act on life altering impulsive decisions because they tore my life apart. They are the impulsive being that registers when I’m feeling sad or wanting a sudden change but they’ll say things like “let’s just go shopping and spend some money, you know you want to.. none of the money matters anyway and it should be spent” things like that.. I know that it feels more like an alter than my own impulsive thoughts because it feels as if another person is coercing me to do things I don’t want to do.

Inner child- Related to my age regression, I had a lot of trauma during my child hood years being in a volatile home, growing up with a narcissistic abusive father, and a mother with untreated undiagnosed bpd. A lot of my child hood is remembering the screaming matches, the arguments, my father being physically and mentally abusive to me, my mother, and my brother. He became worse and I left home at an early age. Anyway, my inner child comes out to comfort me when I am in periods of stress, they are me from the past, the me that needed comfort, the me that just wanted to be a child and do child like things, the child that never was able to receive support from their family, the child that was deprived of love and emotional compassion, the undiagnosed autistic child that was beaten for having sensory melt down. When they’re here I completely turn into a child, complete child mindset, small human brain, don’t understand complexities, just wants to cuddle with stuffed animals, watch cartoons, and drink chocolate milk. They even come out when I’m happy too from stimming, they just want to play.

No name- this one is interesting, I have no general label for them but they feel masculine. I feel as though I purely created this one to exist in social situations. I’m most definitely an introverted person but this altar is the life of the party, they love to be in the spotlight, they’re down for most things, they’re super sociable and charismatic. Though after the return back into me I am completely depleted of all energy and enter dissociative states where I shut down from too much social stimuli.

The goose- They’re very nihilistic, I believe they were created from the dark parts of myself. They’re the presence that comes out in the most inconvenient times. “None of this matters, I don’t care, all of this is meaningless and I’d rather not be here, you’re worthless, you won’t ever amount to anything, you should just give up etc etc” all of the self loathing from my depression but it feels like a whole being existing beside me because I have internal arguments that is me begging them to be quiet.. telling then that’s not true, that I’m extremely valued and loved, that I love myself for the first time, that I’ve accomplished so much in this life. The goose is so incredibly mean and they always want to honk in my ear at the most random times.

The fae- This one is whole heartedly the embodiment of me and I’m not quite sure where they stem from. They do not like humans, they feel as though they are lowly, don’t make any sense, don’t care for humans, lack empathy for humans, they’re very royal like, very ethereal and other worldly, believe humans to be something that should be “of good use” or to simply not interact with them at all. They are the “how dare you speak to me when you are beneath me” I guess it sounds like a god complex but it’s not the same as the god complex others think of, I whole heartedly feel when I embody them that I am not a human in the human experience and that I would rather leave through the fairy portal than to help clean up the messes that humans created.

I have extended periods of depersonalization and derealization that exist separately or sometimes even simultaneously.

What do you guys think?

Dissociative Identity Disorder (DID)

View all

☝ This content is generated by our users and it is not a substitute for professional medical advice. Please consult with your physician before making any medical decision

Thank you! Your submission has been received!
Oops! Something went wrong while submitting the form.