Does anyone else have this experience as a host or part of a system?Realizing that you were part of a system (whether you had the actual vocabulary to describe it or not, personally I didn't) then becoming aware of your trauma and not being able to handle it and losing the memories again, including the memories of figuring out about/ interacting with headmates, for months or years before something happens and you become aware again?this has happened to me several times and I have really seen anyone else with similar experiences. I've finally gotten to a place of balance and being able to (somewhat) communicate on a regular basis without having a breakdown about it.
Dissociative Identity Disorder (DID)
I didnt know about my trauma until my other alter told me
I had a big breakdown in about 2016, fall semester of freshman year of college. I started hearing voices and understanding I had trauma. I was dissociating massively and had a big moment where it definitely not me co trolling the body as I observed. Plus a LOT of amnesia and blackout periods. It was messy. My therapist mentioned DID and I wasn't sure. Shortly after, fall semester of sophomore year I had a huge change. I forgot all ideas of DID existing, my thoughts of what I knew about trauma disappeared, and my mental health was very good minus some depression and anxiety. I also had this weird thought that I was a trans man. Like was 100% going to start testosterone and everything. I didn't, thankfully. Around senior year of college I questioned the trans thing. Random DID-like moments surfaced but I didn't think much of it. Wasn't until the final semester of my fifth year of college that I had yet another breakdown, similar to my previous one. Except now I was seeing a trauma specialist and knew it was DID for sure. And it was. We soon figured out that those years I was "good" and thought I was trans was actually our gatekeeper repressing everything I knew (keeping it away from me) and taking a huge part of fronting/co-fronting time and making sure I remained mentally well so I didn't have another break.
So yeah, I know exactly what you mean. It was a four year gap of me suddenly being completely unaware of DID. My sister even brought it up in that time (Anthony Padilla put out his DID video and she said I should watch it because it was interesting) and our gatekeeper fronted and immediately told her people with DID are faking for attention and told her to never bring up DID to me again. She didn't know it wasn't me and I had no memory of this so she just never brought up DID again. It was bizarre!!
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