SpazzyBee

114d

Today I broke down at work because of some miscommunication issues and other events that happened this morning.. I regret what I did, but I felt so numb, angry, out of my body and mind, dissociative, and didn’t know what to do or how to express what was going on, as every single day, I upset people for what feels like just being myself. Does anyone else feel like this? Simply like every move you make, every word you say, or something you didn’t do or didn’t say is just wrong? My existence feels like a joke to the world..

Depression

Autism Spectrum Disorder (ASD)

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  • Paradox88

    114d

    I am so sorry you went through this. I know exactly what you mean. I’ve felt for years now like my entire existence is a joke or mistake. Like I should’ve never existed. I feel like everything I touch crumbles. Like no matter how hard I try whatever I say or do is wrong. I don’t have answers but I can say you aren’t alone. I’d you want a friend who understands, I’m here.

    • SpazzyBee

      114d

      I appreciate your response so much and it definitely helped me at least feel less alone in what I am going through. I’m so sorry you also deal with feeling these ways on a daily basis, if you do at least like myself, I don’t mean to assume if I did. I would love to be your friend if you would like the same! I recently moved towns and don’t know anyone, I also am autistic so I struggle to make friends

  • Brooke2024

    114d

    Its ironic that I was about the post the same thing. I had a miscommunication at work and kinda did something i could have got fired for

  • anemone

    114d

    yes, i've felt that too. i say it's "like i have the emotional version of a really punchable face" haha. i think what it Actually is, is an effect of my autism - a lot of people just don't like me, miscommunications happen a lot, and i seem to bring out the worst in people. my current close friends, who are also autistic, seem to be mostly immune to that effect (and historically, allistic friends have not been). one told me i'm "more considerate than anyone else he's ever met" and he tends to be honest to a fault. so i'm also doing my best to just... not care? at least to not let it get to me. obviously it can be a problem at work, and i've never had a job where it didn't affect that (and generally get close to me losing my job haha). but if people decide that my being different is a character flaw because i use words differently or they misunderstand my intentions... that's their issue ::P i tend to do what i can to deal with it if we figure out that it's a misunderstanding, but a relationship with anyone, coworker or otherwise, is a two way street. i can practice open-mindedness all day, but i can't make other people do so...

  • AnimalBoy

    114d

    Yeah I constantly feel like everything I say or do is just wrong, even if it wasnt a big thing or a decision I made/something I did consciously.

  • itsnotmefr

    114d

    yes, very relatable and not just at work too. I get this mainly with my mom, she is very stubborn and is very religious/political and I have to watch every word I say or we'll end up in an argument. it's either talk or shut up and listen. when I had my first job (I just quit a few months ago) it was great at first but slowly it made it hard to communicate with them about my hours or anything in general. My mental health was declining during the first few months and over the span of 2 years, I kept having to leave almost 4 times (~2-4 months each~) because I was being admitted to a mental hospital. they'd give me crap everytime I came back and never got to move up at all. I'd ask and they'd ignore me, they'd cut my hours, they ignored me if I asked for help. overall just felt so excluded, and it felt horrible. they made me feel like I HAD to get more hours or stay longer, knowing that I shouldn't since I was still in school and dealing with my thoughts. one time a manager thought I was ignoring him (but really it's because I had a headset). This OLD man poked me and started swearing and insulting me, saying I was the "most rude person that he's ever worked with" that I "never say anything to him" and called me "f*king disabled/deaf/blind" because I couldn't hear him talking. all I did was just say "okay☺️" and the others just watched and didn't defend me. It got to the point that as soon as I walked in into the restaurant, my chest physically hurt, felt a lump in my throat and stayed quiet. I would get home extremely drained, had to take deep breaths stopping me from crying. I had no energy, there was no communication. I had to quit, I should've looked before quitting but I didn't and I'm currently unemployed or at school. I still feel guilty sometimes for leaving but I have to realize it was the best and soon I'll find a job.

  • NickyBear

    111d

    My step dad made me feel that way. I would always try to gain his acceptance and approval. But now I no that I should be happy for me and not worry about it

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