Struggling with Self-Worth and Relationships

So, lots of people have negative feelings and thoughts about themselves. I think I actually found out I’m right about myself. I feel pathetic because I am. My weak, spineless nature makes me utterly torment people in my life by constantly feeling like they’re on the verge of leaving my life, like a broken record. Day after day, more creative ways of utterly emotionally exhausting them. Instead of reacting to emotional things like a normal person, I feel the need to immediately spill about it even with the knowledge that whatever I say has massive parts of it I later realize aren’t how I felt and now I have to correct it. I’m not a good person. The people in my life who have a good amount of exposure to me will often treat me like a powder keg. They know how utterly unhinged my reactions to things are, and I’ll then have my feelings hurt that their awareness of my unhinged psycho moments makes me feel like everyone thinks I’m crazy, which is really alienating and dehumanizing. But, if I weren’t such a psycho, I wouldn’t have to be treated like one. The fact is, the thing I’ve tried to run away from since childhood, is the fact that I don’t fit in. I’m not normal. I’m not able to think the same way other people do. I don’t have this unspoken knowledge about things other people have. I don’t view the world around me in a way that anyone can relate to. Im not relateable because I’m too different from those around me. My seemingly normal topics of conversation and seemingly normal questions I ask people about themselves aren’t actually normal. Most of the things I do are things only the freak, social rejects do. I’m sure it’s only a coincidence that I, someone who’s incredibly overbearing, hypersensitive, has extreme abandonment anxiety, and is never capable of having an off button never had friends growing up, never could keep friends in highschool, and every relationship I’ve had starts by them liking me a whole whole lot, and then.. more they’re around me, the more desperate they are to escape the torment of having to interact with me on a daily basis and having to deal with the most emotionally draining and insufferable person that can possibly exist. Maybe the fact is, I got cheated on my a ton of my exes because I’m so impossible to actually be in a functional relationship with, I literally am borderline torture to deal with. I think someone who lacked the numerous numerous things that make me a nightmare to be around would not have gotten cheated on. Yes, I think if I actually knew how to be a person that isn’t insanely repulsive, they would not have ended up cheating. It was my fault, and every Friendship that I have in my life always ends up crumbling. Every romantic relationship topples down. People who leave, and tell me why they leave, say things about me that I then hear from this person, then that person. Like, I can’t pretend like I don’t know how and why I destroy the things in life I value the most. The criticisms they’d have toward me are very similar to the way I speak about myself. And I speak this way about myself because it’s the most correct position. Every bit of abandonment, abuse, betrayal that I’ve experienced was well-earned. I lowkey think I’m getting what I deserve. I don’t care if nobody reads this, I just wanted to place my thoughts somewhere where people could possibly see it. It’s a way to feel like I exist. I rarely feel like I exist, and when I do exist I exist in front of everyone. And I was utterly humiliated for being myself essentially. Since I never stopped being me,