Struggling with Self-Validation and Gaslighting

I recently admitted to myself that I felt invalidated by a parent and I've been gaslighting myself because of it for my whole life, and it has made me feel better. I feel a little more ok about trusting my true feelings and accepting that I feel angry. It has made me feel less self-hatred. But some part of me doesn't like that. That part that shames me and gaslights me and fawns. Right now, all that built up anger and whatever is blocking out the usual gaslighting. Because it knows,, I know in my gut that it's wrong. But this part of me thinks, maybe if I shame myself by physically hurting myself, I'll go back to "normal" (normal meaning hating myself and feeling guilty all the time). It makes me feel that I don't deserve to stand up for myself or trust myself. It's hard for me to even say "stand up for myself".