Maybe that was your way of trying to let it go or seeing if it still affects you. Or you really wanted to try it and thought it would be different

My PTSD is bc of sexual trauma. I have severe discomfort if someone touches my butt. Like say if my husband came up behind me and lovingly patted me on the bum. I instantly have overwhelming fear like my throat closes up I get nauseated...its aweful. But the last time we had sex I requested that he spanked me. It was so out of character that he didn't want to even do it. But he did. And it actually was...not bad? Sometimes we try things that are out of our comfort zone. Sometimes it helps sometimes it doesn't. Take time to remind yourself that sex is INTIMACY. Its okay if you didn't like it. And its also totally okay if you did. Have you shared your feelings with your woman? Truly she should be supportive either way. Maybe you can let her know how you're feeling and if you two have been tg long enough she might have some insight that maybe you're overlooking in yourself. 💕💕

I'm so sorry this happened. This has happened to me too, several times, almost unwittingly "consenting" to something and then realizing I didn't want it at all. Something that's helped me recover from things like this is taking a break from sex with my partner and setting a LOT of sexual boundaries while I try to recuperate. Talking about what happened with your partner can help too. When you're ready